Dear Cash - 11 Months

Since you're nearing ONE YEAR, and I can't bare to think about it - I thought I'd write you a poem for month eleven.

Dear Cash,

If I were a chef, I'd love you more than my favorite dish;
and if I were a genie, I'd love you more than a wish.

If I were a frog, I'd love you more than another frog;
and if I were a woodchuck, I'd love you more than a big log.

If I were a doctor, I'd love you more than a cure;
and if I were a cow, I'd love you more than manure.

If I were a beautician, I'd love you more than hair;
and if I were a butt, I'd love you more than underwear.

If I were a boat, I'd love you more than setting sail;
and if I were Jack (or Jill), I'd love you more than my pail.

If I were a diamond, I'd love you more than a ring;
and if I were a child, I'd love you more than a swing.

If I were a note, I'd love you more than a song;
and if I were Chuck Barris, I'd love you more than a gong.

If I were Christmas, I'd love you more than a tree;
and if I were good student, I'd love you more than a spelling bee.

If I were a giant, I'd love you more than really big shoes;
and if I were a detective, I'd love you more than good clues.

If I were Galileo, I'd love you more than the stars;
and if I were Al Gore, I'd love you more than electric cars.

If I were a farmer, I'd love you more than cotton;
and if I were a memory, you'd never be forgotten.

I love you more than anything loves any other thing;
and it's impossible to measure - all the joy that you bring.

Please be sweet to your dad & me;
and please don't grow up too quickly.

Love you with my whole heart,
Mom


Here's a quick picture of you playing your new favorite game - Stair Master!


You bolt for the stairs (our wonderful deck stairs, which I'm sure aren't compliant even by 1950s standards) the second I let you outside and then you go down the stairs, then up the stairs, then down the stairs and then again and again until I stop you. You also seem to think that every drop (no matter how far down) is a stair. So, you'll throw your legs over anything and we have to be very careful.

Programming Interruption

I realize that I'm off schedule.

Yesterday was supposed to be Cub's 11 month (gulp) letter and today is supposed to be misfit Monday. However, yesterday (morning) I caught a horrible stomach bug. It was so bad I was in bed (or in the bathroom) all day long and never even turned on the TV. Poor Buttin caught the same thing yesterday evening and he was in the bathroom most of the night (my friend Liz also got sick last night). Right now Buttin and I are starting to feel better, but we're just keeping our fingers crossed that Cub doesn't catch it.

Here's a little picture from Saturday, two of my best friends (who are sisters) came to town for a visit. Cub was a little shy, but I think he has a thing for blondes.

Charlie Sheen Quotes by Cub

We've had some great weather this past week, so I've been taking lots of Cub pictures. Sometimes it looks like he's having a conversation with me. Here's Cub delivering Charlie Sheen quotes (also from this past week).

I closed my eyes and made it so with the power of my mind.

I got magic and I got poetry at my fingertips.


I'm tired of pretending like I'm not special. I'm tired of pretending like I'm not bitching, a total frickin' rock star from Mars.

You borrow my brain for five seconds and just be like dude, can't handle it, unplug this bastard. It fires in a way that is, I don't know, maybe not from this terrestrial realm.


Winning!
They picked a fight with a warlock

I probably took more than anybody could survive... I was banging seven-gram rocks, and finishing them.
I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man I'm rolling out magic, bro.

Most of the time - and this includes naps - I'm and F18, bro, and I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordinance to the ground.

I just don't do it. I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people. People who aren't special. People who don't have tiger blood and Adonis DNA.

I think the honesty not only shines through in my work, but also my personal life. And I get in trouble for being honest. I'm extremely old-fashioned. I'm a nobleman. I'm chivalrous. I mean, what's not to love?

Especially when you see how I party man, it's epic. The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them, just look like droopy-eyed, armless children

Filanthropy Friday

I started Filanthropy Friday as a way to give back and give thanks. However, many charities are (for lack of better phrasing) kind of depressing. So instead of being a celebration of my gratitude, Filanthropy Friday is sometimes a downer.

My fan (Liz) decided to research some fun (ish) charities and made some suggestions. This week, I donated to one of her suggested charities - The Critter Connection.

The Critter Connection is a non-profit group dedicated to the rescue and rehabilitation of abandoned and neglected guinea pigs.

I donated $10 to these little critters; however I want to know why these guinea pigs need rehab? Are guinea pigs the Charlie Sheen of the rodent species?

P.S. If any other fans (hi, mom!) have an idea, I'm open to other suggestions for Filanthropy Friday.

Biting!

I got a call from the school yesterday.

Cub is biting.

This isn't a behavioral issue (some kids bite around age 3 or 4 when they act out), it's just developmental. He's teething and learning how to use his mouth and his new utensils.

Here is a modified transcript of my conversation with his teacher - what I said and then the actual truth.

Teacher: So, at home, what language do you use when Cash bites you?

Me: Um, I say things like, "please be gentle with your teeth" or "teeth are for eating"
THE TRUTH: I laugh.

Teacher: So, at home, do you let Cash play-bite you?

Me: Um, no, not really.
THE TRUTH: Yes and we laugh hysterically when he comes at us - mouth open wide - ready to bite/kiss.

Teacher: So, at home, do you play-bite Cash?

Me: Do I bite my child? Um, no.
THE TRUTH: Yes - I stick his little feet in my mouth (after bath time) and say, "maw, maw, maw" and he giggles and giggles.

Teacher: So, at home, do you have him practice giving gentle kisses to your animals, real or stuffed?

Me: Oh, yes Cash is very gentle with our animals. We demonstrate how to give sweet kisses to our cats and dogs.
THE TRUTH: This is what Cash does to Mouser.

Cash: Oh, look a kitty. Perhaps I'll use this as an opportunity to practice gentle kisses.


Cash: Hold still kitty, this won't hurt one bit.

Cash: Gotcha now. This is gentle, right?

Mouser: Help me.


Teacher: OK, so it sounds like we're doing the same things here at school. Maybe you can bring in one of his favorite stuffed animals and we'll practice being gentle here at school too.

Me: Oh, great idea - I was just thinking that myself.
THE TRUTH: Oh crap, my kid is a biter without a favorite stuffed animal and he'll probably grow up to be some kind of strange biting Boo Radley-esque man with rocks for friends.

I called Buttin right away and told him that we have to stop laughing when he bites us (or the animals or his friends or our friends or his grandmas). It's just so freaking hard not to laugh at his adorable toothy cuteness.

Wordless Wednesday

Parenting Fail #521

What does it say about my parenting skills that when I give Cub a book, he tries to eat it BUT when handed a remote - this is what he does: