I was going to write last night (for Misfit Monday) that we arrived back at work surprised to find the building still standing and all misfits relatively healthy. However, we had household adventures last night that prevented me from writing.
We had a small (but powerful) storm last night and it managed to knock over one of the trees in our front yard (onto our neighbor's car) and blow over a majority of our backyard fence. Fun!
In other good luck news, Cub got scratched by a friend at school yesterday. I guess he's been on the other side (the assailiant one) a few to many times. If you ask Cub what happened - he says a "frog did it". To which my dork husband responded, "did he call the tadpolice?".
Here is Cub today playing outside at the park.
Steph
ReplyDeleteYou are a mess. I want to write compassionate words of sympathy for the loss of your iPhone, your fallen tree, your destroyed fence, and for Cash's brawl-wound but I can't in good conscience do that. You bring these things on yourself.
1. iPhone - If you had a more expensive purse, say a Chanel or a Prada ($1,500 - $5,000 per bag) you would take better care of it and not toss it in the street when you are having a temper tantrum about socialized medicine in Canada. Yeah, I heard all about it from a friend of mine who lives in Toronto. Apparently your little scene made the local news (The Canadian Semi-News Times). I understand that you hate socialized medicine but going to Canada and screaming like a lunatic isn't going to make them change their programs. And tossing your purse in the street only hurt you....not them. Don't you see that? Solution: Prozac.
2. Fallen Tree - If you had put up the patented "Tree Guard System", a series of complex harnesses and pulleys guaranteed to keep any* tree standing upright in a storm, you wouldn't have destroyed your neighbors car with your negligence. Now I know what you are thinking....how much could such a life changing product cost and how can I get one? Simple! Send a check for $99.99 to LizWorld Products, PO Box 1000, Awesomeville, TX 78888 and one will be sent to you within the next year or so. We are pretty backlogged right now with orders from responsible homeowners. (*Giant Sequoias not included)
3. Destroyed Fence - If you had installed a 20 foot high stone fence (moat optional) like I told you to when you moved in the fence wouldn't have blown over. I tried to appeal to your sense of decency and privacy...oh wait...what was I thinking....but really I was thinking of safety. Now, because of your negligence, Riggs and Cash can easily escape and wreak havoc among your neighbors. If Cash gets ahold of a can of spray paint I will fear for your neighbors' walls and driveways since you have taught him that graffiti and defacing property is all in good fun. Don't come crying to me when the inevitable lawsuits start. You think your neighbors are too nice to sue you? Hahaha....they might have been until I plastered helpful flyers on all of their front doors earlier today....just doing my civic duty you know.
4. Cash's War Wound - Well that was pretty inevitable. You are raising a violent little brawler who bites and scratches for fun. Not to mention squirting Aunt Liz with the garden hose. Next up for Cash - a black eye and a trip to juvie. As you know I predicted this with my list of grievances and the statistical model I created to predict the exact date that Cash would be charged with his first felony. Tick tock. Tick tock...
If you would take my advice more often none of these little problems would have occurred. Now, I recommend that you read "Aunt Liz"s Guide to Life" and "Liz's Motivational Sayings" tonight and see if tomorrow doesn't look a little brighter.
Love
Your always helpful friend,
liz