SXSW

SXSW has begun in Austin.

I'm pretty uncool when it comes to music (Me: Hey Butin - have you heard that new Brittany Spears song? ) and we are about as far away north from SXSW as you can live (and still be considered Austin).  It's become increasingly difficult for locals to participate in the technology/movie/music festival, but Buttin is downtown tonight supporting one of our misfits (drum player/carpet sales person extraordinaire). 

Of all the SXSW stuff I've seen online - this is my favorite tshirt. Welcome To Austin.  Please Don't Move Here. I hear Dallas is Great!

Cub's ears seem to be on the mend (although last night he coughed a bunch) - here he is playing outside.

Strange Day

Today has just been odd and not in a very good way.  It's one of those days where all I can do is focus on my happy, healthy child.

Here (in no particular order) are some of the odd things that happened today:

• Misfit shenanigans - not the fun kind (like when they dress up like bunnies and bowl).  I hate it when misfits do things that lead to uncomfortable discussions. Nonetheless, Buttin and I will have an uncomfortable discussion with a misfit tomorrow.
• We have a competitor talking badly about us - telling lies.  Buttin is going to take a shower, put on some clean (semi-nice) clothes in the morning and go kick some ass.  Well, talk to our customer anyway.  
• One of the houses we really like has just gone down in price by another 8K.  It's the strangest thing, but I feel badly for these people.  My dad used to tell me that I didn't have the killer instinct (back when I swam competitively) and I'm starting to realize he was right.  I'm sure I have that instinct when it comes to protecting people who are close to me or our business, but I'm guessing I won't be adding "Real Estate Mogul" to my resume (maybe "cookie dough mogul").
• Speaking of not having the killer instinct (this is a bad transition), I hit a bicyclist last week (or rather, he hit me) while driving (slow moving accident, very near my house).  His bike was slightly damaged so I drove the man home (please Liz, don't tell me he could have been purposefully running into cars because he's a serial killer and you've seen something exactly like this on Criminal Minds) and we exchanged phone numbers.  I called my insurance company that night and gave them all the info - just in case.  Can you guess what has happened?  He's now claiming injuries and filing a claim. I talked to my insurance adjuster today and she said there is no way that I am at fault; however, we have to get everything together. 
• Molly doesn't seem to be doing very well.  I took her to the vet last week because she was having some obvious issues with her back right leg.  She's been on medication (for a ruptured ligament, a urinary track infection and auto-immune hemolytic anemia - which she had earlier this year), but today she was so bad that Buttin had to carry her into the house.  I tried to get her hind legs underneath her (by picking up her butt), but she'd shake and then fall right back to the ground.  I'm hoping this is just a not so great day for her, but that she'll be getting better soon.  I can't think of things any other way right now, not today. 

In some relatively OK news, I had a decent run with my group today.  We did the same workout as a few weeks ago and I felt good.

Cub and I kept Molly company outside this afternoon (because I couldn't help her in the house) and he only tried to pull her ear a couple of times.

New Misfit & Walking

We have a new sales misfit starting today. We have (and had) a lot going on, so we don't quite have a robust training program - but I have confidence in our new misfit. Come to think of it, the only job where I really had "training" was at Taco Bell and I've turned out OK.

Today also starts the beginning of me trying some natural induction methods to get Lumpy moving. I'll write more about the methods I will (and won't) be trying later, but the big one for today is walking. I've continued to jog waddle (which has become a lot more like walking in recent weeks) about two miles a day, but starting today I'm going to try and walk some during the day while at work.

Now Accepting Applications

We've been accepting applications for a carpet cleaning technician & I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Here are two of my favorite email submissions - completely unaltered by me (except I removed the names).

Number 1:

Hello, I would like to be your carpet cleaner. I know I am fit for the job. Please contact me at this email address if you have liked what you have read, Thank you Sincerely,

Number 2:

My name is _______. I am a Bible College and am interested in the Carpet Technician job. Here is my Resume.

Like I said, I don't know whether to laugh or cry. It might be fun to have someone who IS a Bible College come work at our little store, but I'm quite sure all the misfits would corrupt him.

Picture Of The Day

Me & Two Misfits

Trade Show Recap

I really should just call this post - Lots of Pictures of Guys in Dresses. That would be a more accurate description.

The trade show was an absolute blast! All the guys (6 of them) were such good sports about the make-up (probably the worst part for all of them), their dresses, wigs and shoes. They all got so much attention. Buttin told me he's never had so many people want to take a picture with him in his life - he felt like a rock star (a side note - his Deal or No Deal girl name was "Tawny", maybe you've read the post about Buttin's childhood dreams).

Here's a quick recap:

Trade Show: Austin Apartment Association
Theme: Game Show Mania
Our Booth: Deal or No Deal
Place: 2nd Place
(we may have been robbed - how on earth could you top guys in dresses?)

There were actually three of us girls in dresses. I don't really think we even needed to be there - no one said two words to us. OK - now time for some pictures: Here is Buttin doing his "pretty girl" pose:
Here's Buttin & my cousin, Sean (aka Portia), getting ready (I know they're loving all the attention): This is our AWESOME group (this was our sassy picture that was taken professionally):


Bridesmaids at weddings usually take a "shoe" picture. I don't know why, but here's our "shoe" picture. We made these shoes by spray painting black flip flops and attaching a pretty blue bow. Even after a shower this morning, I still have some silver paint on my feet (we let the shoes dry for over a week). Can you tell the legs of the real girls?:
Here's Barbie and Tubby-Tub: All night long, the guys had to walk into the men's restroom with their dresses on - here's a picture I'm particularly proud of (I love Buttin's farmer tan): Here is one of my favorite pictures of the night - Sean just seems like a natural: Here's a couple of me & Buttin: A quick word about the dresses - I'm really am not as pregnant as this dress makes me look. These dresses were so much more flattering on the guys than they were on the women. All the girls looked like chubby ballerinas.

The real girls ended up leaving around 7:30 - I was exhausted and had a huge headache (from lack of food and sleep). This morning - all the guy/girls came into work looking a little like club-kids, with eyeliner still around their eyes. I don't know what the theme to next year's trade show is yet, but I have no idea how we could possible top this year.

It's Fun, But It's Poison

Gossip.

Starting today I'm going to try to gossip less. I won't be able to completely cut it out because it is fun, but I realize that it is also poison - especially in a working environment - double especially for our island of misfit toys.

I hope that my example will help our misfits to curb their love of gossip. It is a well known scientific fact that misfits love to gossip. They will (and they read this blog, so I'm being honest) gossip about other misfits' mood, personal life, grooming habits, eating habits, smell, sound, clothing (or lack thereof) - nothing is off limits.

We are a very small office, so things get around quickly. Telling someone to keep something a secret is like code for "go now and tell EVERYONE". It's often frustrating, but it's how our little dysfunctional misfit family works.

My real wish is that misfits would stop spreading rumors and would stop poking at each other with gossip that's been through the telephone game line about sixteen hundred times. It's amazing - what ends up as "Barbie threw up fish tacos and then took a nap on the floor" is really, "Barbie is invoicing".

In (dis)honor of gossip - I've written this little poem (I must say, it's one of my best):

Ode to Gossip

Gossip is bad;
it makes other misfits sad.

Don't be a meanie;
Gossip is for weenies.

Sometimes Dreams Really Do Come True

So the other day, my mother sent me this cute little forward (usually, I don't pay attention to forwards unless they're from foreign prince who wants to send me their money) about this teacher and her first grade class providing the second part of well-known proverbs.

Some of my favorites include (if you can't figure it out, the red words are the ones provided by the first graders):

Strike while the bug is close.
Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.

I shared these gems with the office and Barbie decided to take them home to get her seven year old daughter, Cayman, to do the same thing.

Cayman had a lot of good ones, but this one is my favorite:

Happy is the bride who works at Carpet Warehouse.

I ask - have truer words ever been spoken? I think not.

If you pray and wish really hard (and you eat all your vegetables) you too could get to work in an office that has:

• Cockroaches bigger than a forklift;
  
• Ceiling tiles that only fall on you twice a day;
• Strange pink asbestos looking stuff surrounding you;
• Sporadic electricity;
• A semi-working toilet;
• Dust about 2 inches thick (ahem. . Patty);
• Various friendly and non-friendly vermin;
• A roof that may fall down at any moment (it keeps things exciting);
• Co-workers who sometimes wear deodorant;
• A fridge that produces large puddles, so that if you put food on the bottom shelf, it gets soggy;
• Water that you should not drink (for fear of something much worse that Montezuma's revenge); and
• Some of the most fun, lovable, misfits EVER.
  

Sometimes fairy tales and wishes and dreams really do come true. Cayman is so right - all you could ever dream of as a bride is to work at Carpet Warehouse.

My Life: The Sitcom

One of my new favorite shows is Better Off Ted.

In my opinion, the best parts of the show are the commercials for the fictional company, Veridian Dynamics - the location that serves as the setting for the show.

Sometimes, I think my life is like a sitcom - which I guess is better than a soap opera or one of those public access conspiracy shows. One need only read some of the few posts regarding the "misfits" to understand the sitcom-like nature of my life.

For when Hollywood comes calling, here are some sitcom names and posters for my life at Carpet Warehouse.

Play Misfit For MeStupid & Stupider Kings of Carpet

Peeing On Stuff & Other Ways To Impress Your Boss

Most of the misfits work very hard, so I try to cut them some slack. However, there are somethings that the misfits do that really impress (and by impress, I mean infuriate) me.

Here are some of my recommendations (based upon actual misfit behavior) for how you can impress your boss:

• Take a nap during the workday - OK, I'm the biggest proponent of nap time you'll ever meet, but if your boss is working - you should be too. Especially if your boss is me, I get jealous. The next time I catch a misfit napping (unless they are sick or got here at 5:00 AM for a truck), I'm going to let all the other misfits color on their face.
  
• Disappear - by all means, when you're told to do something (like take Rascal to his new home), disappear and don't tell anyone where you're going.
• Pee on the only semi-working toilet - seriously, we have one semi-working toilet - when someone (ahem . . . a boy misfit) pees all over it - it's vile.
• Be disrespectful of each other - I just did an entire post on this topic, but I can't really say it enough - please be nice to other misfits or I put you in time out and let the other misfits throw old food from our fridge at you.
  
• Break something and then try to hide it - misfits breaking things is pretty much a daily occurrence, but when they try to hit it, that's what makes me upset. One time a misfit decided to use the side of a van to paint a pole, but didn't tell us. That was a nice surprise.
  

I'm sure I'll be able to add to this list soon. I'm just waiting for the misfits to show up and do something stupid.

Barbie Awards

Barbie was unhappy with her Missie Award.

Like any good misfit, she made her displeasure known by complaining all day long. It was exhausting for me to have to listen to her - everyone should feel badly for me.

I decided to give her, her own post - complete with a list of misfit awards that she could also receive.

• Hot Witch Award - at last year's trade show, she took one for the team and dressed up like a sexy Samantha from Bewitched (even though I think my genie costume was much worse).
• Butt Crack Award - this award is so called because Barbie loves to sing the Butt Crack Song. From time to time she will also sing about other
  
• Most Patient With Other Misfits Award - Barbie is angelic with co-workers and customers alike, at least to their faces. She may hang up the phone and scream all kinds of expletives, but at least she waits for the conversation to finish.
• Reality TV Award - when Barbie is not talking about butt cracks, she's talking about the latest happenings on Charm School or Rock of Love or I could go on . . .

There you go Barbie - I hope you're happy now.

The First Annual Misfit Awards

The other day, Patty (who is our accounting misfit) got the Touchdown Duck for downloading a virus on her computer while trying to google "Bachelorette Spoilers" (obviously, very important to accounting). She told Barbie and I that at her previous job she was "Employee of the Month" - twice. Barbie and I assumed that she must have been on vacation those two months because there's no other way that Patty could have been a model employee.

Well, we could never have "Employee of the Month"at Carpet Warehouse, but I would like to start giving out the "Misfit Awards" or Missies (for short).

Here they are:

Grandma Award: Todd (or Tubby-Tub as I call him)
Tubby-Tub takes forever to do anything. It's really because he's so busy, but you could tell him there was a million dollars waiting for him in South Austin and it would take him 5 hours to get there.

Aww Shucks/Doh Award: James
James does this at least once a day.
Hutto Award: Tim R.
Tim likes to leave everyday between 11AM - 1PM claiming he has a measurement in Hutto. By "measurement", he means go home and take a nap.

Email Award: Sean
Sean gets this award because he is the only misfits who knows how to use a computer for anything besides playing poker or googling reality TV shows (ahem . . .Barbie & Patty). I think he can send an email and doodle in MS Paint, but that's where his expertise ends.

AMEX Award: Tim B.
Tim takes my AMEX almost every morning. He's supposed to be fixing up one of our cleaning vans, but I really think he's building a spaceship - one Home Depot purchase at a time.

Diabetic Sugar Addict: Tim A.
We have a few diabetics in our office, so this award was more difficult to win than you might think. Tim loves sugar so much he even ate granola bars with worms.

Cubby Hole Award: Patty
Patty's office can best be described as a cubby hole (and that's being generous). Half the time, people don't even know if she's here or not. However, if the conversation turns to lunch plans or the latest gossip in reality TV - she quickly pokes her head out of her hole.

Roach Soup Award: Rhonda (I call her Barbie)
Barbie is very good about bringing her lunch from home; however, she sometimes likes to bring the most disgusting concoctions ever created. The worst one to date, has been a can of icky bean soup, which I re-named roach soup.

Bad Luck Award: Jesus
Jesus does quite a few misfitty things on his own (like backing a van into a dumpster at about 30 mph); however, he does happen to have some of the worst luck imaginable. One day, he kicked a random rock in our parking lot and it hit our glass door, shattering it.

Have Bobbs? Will Discount Award: Richard
Richard is notorious for giving big discounts to our well-endowed female customers. He was once asked why there was so little profit in a particular sale, to which he responded - "Did you see her boobs?".

Disappearing/Reappearing Award: Bobby
Bobby is a new misfit and in his short time here really hasn't done that many misfit-like things. He does manage to come and go without me noticing, which leads me to the very obvious conclusion that he must be magic.

Misfits - Please Respect Other Misfits

As a side note, I absolutely LOVE this picture. It looks fake, right? But it's a real poster for Penn State. I would love to get the Misfits to pose for a picture like this.

Our misfits are the most angelic creatures when they speak to me. They treat me with a great deal of respect - at least to my face anyway. However, the misfits don't always understand the difference between an appropriate or inappropriate request or response when speaking to each other. For their benefit, I've provided some examples of each:


Requests:

I'm sick of waiting, you've got to wake this hobo right now. (Incorrect)
When you have a moment, would you please help me wake this hobo? (Correct)

Response:

The hobo is not my problem, plus you stink. (Incorrect)
Yes, I'll be right there as soon as I finish helping this customer. (Correct)

Request:

My customer's radio was stolen. Did you do it? (Incorrect)
My customer has an issue, can you please help me solve it? (Correct)

Response:

You can stick your thumb up your butt and tell your customer to do the same. (Incorrect)
Of course, what can I do to help? (Correct)

I really want to teach them that a little PLEASE & THANK YOU can go a long way in endearing yourself to co-workers. However, they prefer the demand and curse approach.

The Misfits & The Mystery of The Missing Stereo

Being the positive (and somewhat sarcastic) person that I am - I try to view all the stupid things our misfits do - as inspiration. Inspiration to write, inspiration to be a better person and inspiration not to commit murder - just to name a few.

Today, we got a phone call from a customer. It seems they had a missing stereo and our misfit crews were the last ones in the unit where the missing stereo had last been seen.

The following is a short story - partly true and partly fabricated (by me) - but all inspired by our misfits.

The Misfits & The Mystery of the Missing Stereo

One peaceful day at Carpet Warehouse, while Stephanie and Barbie were not eating donuts or misbehaving in any way - the phone rang.

"Hello, Carpet Warehouse - this is Barbie", Barbie answered, feeling icky (she had just stunk up the bathroom with a massive tummy shame).

"Hello, Barbie - this is Juanette from Awesome Apartments . I'm very mad. One of your misfits stole a stereo from unit number 262."

"Oh, no", exclaimed Barbie, "I'm on the case, Juanette, and I promise to get right back to you."

With that, Barbie immediately went to the bathroom (again) and then rallied the troops. Soon, she and her fellow misfit detectives, TA and TB, had narrowed the suspects down to three:

• Smarty - the carpet installing misfit
• Arty - the vinyl installing misfit
• Farty - the carpet cleaning misfit

Smarty was the first misfit brought in for questioning.

"Smarty," TA said in an inquisitive tone, "When you left Awesome Apartments, did you accidentally take a stereo with you?"

"No", said Smarty.

"OK, so you're 110% sure that if we searched your truck, we wouldn't find a stereo?" TA asked again.

"Yeah", snapped Smarty, quite sure that TA didn't understand the meaning of percentages.

TA looked at Barbie and TB and said, "I can say with 112% certainty that Smarty is innocent."

Arty was the next misfit to be questioned. TB began the inquisition.

"Arty, you like chicken - correct?" TB asked.

Barbie shot TB a look that seemed to say, "I would have asked about beans. "

"Why are you asking me about chicken?" Arty snapped back.

"You seem defensive Arty, is there anything you want to tell us?" asked TB, thinking he was really getting somewhere with this line of questioning.

"Alright, alright - I was sick after my lunch of beans, so I made some brown artwork in the toilet and didn't flush. I'm so ashamed."

"OK." Barbie said, in an understanding voice (she knew a thing or two about leaving stuff in the commode). Then to TA and TB she said, "Obviously Arty didn't take at stereo. Certainly anyone would admit to taking a stereo before admitting to doing what he did."

Farty was the last suspect to be questioned. The misfit detectives were quite sure that Farty must be the culprit, as Smarty and Arty had already been cleared. Plus Farty smelled bad, and the misfits' motto had always been - "When in doubt, blame the smelly one." Barbie began the questioning.

"Farty, when you were cleaning unit 262 at Awesome Apartments - did you happen to notice an unclaimed stereo?" she asked.

"I saw a stereo, but it had a post it note on it" said Farty. "'It read, 'Please do not steal'"

"So, when you left the apartment, the stereo was still inside?" asked Barbie.

"Yup, but I could smell someone else in the unit." Farty claimed.

Barbie, TB & TA were confused. So far, none of their suspects seemed guilty and all seemed to have rock solid alibis (not by Law & Order standards, of course).

It was time for Barbie to call Juanette from Awesome Apartments to give her an update.

"Juanette, this is Barbie from Carpet Warehouse. I think we've cleared all three misfits of any wrong doing." Barbie said nervously, afraid Juanette would be disappointed that they hadn't found the perpetrator.

"Oh, I forgot to call.", Juanette said, "One of our employees found the stereo a couple hours ago. Thanks. Bye."

Barbie hung up the phone, a little frustrated from all the needless work, but satisfied they had done excellent job and had a happy customer. She marked the case "Closed" (and then promptly went to the bathroom again). It was another good day for the misfits detectives.

The End.

The Misfits Are At It Again

The misfits forgot to take their medication today (or maybe I forgot). I know Liz thinks I'm a sweet and patient person, but unicorns are going to be crying soon if the misfits don't start behaving.

This morning was unusually busy (usually, during the middle of the month things are slower) and don't get me wrong - I love the business - we just had a bunch of add ons and some emergency water extractions (I used to call these wet vacs, but if you say that word too quickly, it sounds rather racist). In the midst of all these phone calls, I got the type of call that I always dread - an unhappy customer.

One of our installers had left an apartment unit a mess and the poor complex cleaning lady had to go back and reclean it - I guess she was in tears because she had already cleaned it and was forced to go back because of us. It's almost worse to get the sweet, unhappy customer calls than the angry, unhappy customer calls - almost.

We often have to tell our misfits the same things over and over and over again - common sense (at least I think so) things like, don't leave your trash in an apartment and don't touch the raccoons. Well after receiving this call I'm instituting a violation policy - if any of these rules are broken - there will be fines:

• No hitting, biting, tackling or otherwise touching anyone;
• No pooping and/or peeing in an apartment unit without flushing;
• (as a follow up) Only pee and/or poop in toilets;
• Do not leave trash of any kind in an apartment unit;
• Do not destroy property;
  
• Do not lie, I will find out;
  
• Do not eat anything in the fridge or freezer that is not yours; and
  
• Do not annoy me (or Barbie).

Break a rule one time - you're fined $25, break a rule again - you're fined $100, break a rule a third time - spend one night with my dog, Cartman! Well, I might not be that harsh - but I'm feeling pretty harsh right now.

Barbie just asked Buttin to pick up some liquid patience (in the form of Tito's Vodka) at the store and I couldn't agree more - I'm going to need a lot of patience to make it through the day.

Accident

Well, I was planning to write about something else this morning, but the something else will have to wait for another day.

This morning I was in an accident. Poor Bubba Mustang. I was driving along (less than a two blocks from work) in the far right hand lane (of the 183 feeder road) when a black BMW exited the freeway, crossed four lanes of traffic (like a bat outta hell) and literally ran right into me. Actually, I hit him - but I didn't really have a choice in the matter.

Molly was with me (it's a Molly-Day) and like a good dog mom, when I saw the BMW (for the split eighth of a second before I hit him) I instinctively put my right arm out to protect her from going forward and like a good Texan I hit the horn. Also, like a good driver I floored the break, for all the good it did.

I hit the guy (he's young - only about 25 years old) so hard that I spun his car around into the parking lot of the fast food place (Terra Burger) right next to our office. Here's the best part of the story - these are the first lines of dialogue that transpired between the two of us as soon as we verified we were both OK and injury free.

Guy: You hit me.
Me: You came into my lane.
Guy: But, I had my blinker on!

Are you freaking kidding me??!! I don't care if your car is purple with a flashing neon sign that says "follow me to free cookie dough" - there is no way I could have stopped.

Thankfully, one of the nice men at Terra Burger looked at the Guy and said, "No man, she was in this lane for a long time - you ran into her." I also had another driver "Bruce" who gave me his number and said he witnessed the whole thing .

Poor Molly - she was so scared. As soon as we stopped, she crawled into the back seat. A nice lady from Terra Burger came out and tried to give Molly a dog treat. Molly was so scared, she didn't eat the treat (Molly not eating a treat is like me not eating cookie dough - there's something seriously wrong). The nice lady left a couple of treats in the car and not surprisingly, Molly eventually ate them.

As I mentioned, the accident happened only about a block away from work. I know I give our little misfits a hard time, but I've never felt so relieved as I did when I saw three of them walking towards me to see what they could do to help. One of them took Molly by the leash and walked her to the office, another one of them went back to the office to get my digital camera and another one punched the stupid BMW Guy in the throat (ok, I made that one up, but I bet he would of, if I'd asked him to). I was very thankful to have the misfits with me.

The police officer arrived and discussed the accident with both of us - I didn't get a ticket, but I'm not sure if the Guy got one. My insurance company (the best ever) took care of everything and told me not to worry - they would handle it!

All in all, I'm very lucky - no person (or dog) was injured and most importantly - my rental car IS NOT A YARIS!