It seems like every day there is a news story about a politician and some scandal. Currently, the governor of South Carolina has been in the news about some hike he took in Argentina with his mistress named Maria. Honestly, I couldn't care less about the private lives of politicians (except for the extremely hypocritical ones - the ones who ordain themselves supreme moral being and then get caught soliciting in a men's bathroom) - but it does make me think that some of them are more than just a little dumb for how they get caught. Seriously - when I first read about Mr. Sanford - I thought maybe he got murdered on the Appalachian trail. What governor thinks they can just disappear for seven days on a "hike"? Some of these huge missteps in something seemingly so simple make me wonder what other sorts of decisions they're making on larger issues like war and healthcare. I figure if some of these stupid-heads can be elected to office - maybe I could too, and I'd run with a very honest campaign slogan:
"Elect Stephanie - she won't have time to get involved in a scandal - she'll be busy napping."
My platform would include:
"Elect Stephanie - she won't have time to get involved in a scandal - she'll be busy napping."
My platform would include:
- Naps - I think we'd all be happier if we had mandatory siestas, I'd call it the "Universal Napcare Bill"
- No Meanies (or Dummies) - All meanies (and dummies) would be tortured by mouth to mouth kisses from my dog Cartman (he eats cat poop and blows pee bubbles), I'd call it the "Torture Memo For Meanies "
- TARP - Stands for "Troubled Animal Relief Program" - all animal shelters would be converted to "no-kill" shelters and anyone convicted of dog (cock, rabbit, fish, etc.) fighting would be punished by means worse than the Torture Memo.
- Chocolate - In addition to naps all people should have chocolate, I'd call it the "Snickers Package"
I'm thinking that I might have a few more planks in my platform, but it's amazing how many people/issues are covered by item number two (Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - yes, I had to look up the spelling, Kim Jong-il, Paris Hilton).
Right now, I have to demonstrate plank number one to my many followers (or two animals who are currently in the bed with me).
Nite-Nite!
Right now, I have to demonstrate plank number one to my many followers (or two animals who are currently in the bed with me).
Nite-Nite!
You have my vote! But you may want to see if your Torture Memo For Meanies is covered by the Geneva Convention. Cartman kisses may be considered cruel and inhumane.
ReplyDeleteWell its a strong platform to be sure but I might run against you with my campaign slogan of, "I can govern better drunk than you can sober."
ReplyDeleteI haven't really thought through my campaign platform yet but here are a few issues I will add to my campaign that will make me a formidable opponent for you (and everyone else except actual competent people):
1. no more ATM fees
2. complete silence in my neighborhood when I sleep. This benefits everyone but the punks down the street that practice drums in the garage.
3. Cubs will automatically win the World Series every year regardless of score.
4. Celebrities will not be allowed to speak publicly on any topic except movies or TV shows they promote.
5. Paris Hilton will be put in prison for the rest of her life...it can be a nice prison but I think its best for all of us if she is not allowed in public anymore.
6. Madonna will not be allowed to adopt/steal any more children.
7. At least one TV channel must be devoted exclusively to a combination of James Bond movies, Burn Notice reruns, Law & Order reruns, Harry Potter movies, Tropic Thunder, and Sahara.
8. People with children will no longer be able to take them out in public places unless those places are designated "children only" (schools, Chuck E Cheese).
9. Well behaved pets will be allowed to accompany their owners anywhere they want including restaurants and grocery stores.
10. The speed limit will be increased to 100. On all streets.