My Christmas Poem

Twas the Night Before Christmas -
My ode to gingerbread men, who I think do all the work and then Santa takes all the credit.

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through our house
Four pets were eating ham, including a cat named mouse(r).
The stockings weren't hung, because I didn't have time.
Santa will still come, because my mom has mine.

My in-laws were nestled all snug in the bed,
With Lumpy moving in my tummy, I just fed her (or him) bread.
Buttin in his boxers, and I in comfy clothes.
Had just settled down to watch our favorite tv shows.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Penelope the cat was mad as a hatter.
I went to the door and asked, "Pene - you OK?"
Pene touched me inappropriately and went on his way.

The lights on our trees glistened like glass;
Made our yard mostly of weeds look a little less white trash.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But miniature gingerbread men drinking some beer.

With a group of eight, so drunk and small,
One spat at another and started a brawl.
More slowly than turtles they crawled though the lawn,
Then slurred out their words as they shouted their song!

"Now Vodka! now, Wine! now, Lager and Gin!
We're no rookie effort, we deserved to Win!
I can stand up, but eventually I'll fall!
Now drink up! Drink up! Drink it up all!"

As I started to walk back in the house to pee,
Their leader approached smiling at me .
Then up to my front door they stumbled two by two,
With the Honda full of presents, one was sniffing some glue.

And then, in an instant, I heard in the street,
The prancing and dancing of all of their feet.
As I reached for my bladder, and was turning around,
Through the front door they came with a bound.

They were dressed all disheveled, one was missing his shoe,
And their clothes were all tarnished and nothing looked new.
A bundle of presents they had flung on their backs,
And they looked like some hobos, opening their packs.

Their eyes looked so red! One threw up in my chair!
Their noses were rosy, they had marzipan hair!
All this time I thought Santa, brought me my toys.
But really it is drunk gingerbread girls and boys.

The stump of bottle one held in his teeth,
And another smoked cigars as she hung up the wreath.
One looked like he'd just been punched by his brother,
But they all laughed and seemed to enjoy each other!

They looked odd bringing presents, not like Santa at all.
But they smelled of almonds and were cute when they'd fall!
A quick whistle of the lips and one bump on the head,
Let me know soon, I had nothing to dread.

They spoke few words, and went straight to their jobs,
And filled all the stockings, while smelling like slobs .
Then using one another to prop themselves up,
Headed out my front door with drinks in their cup!

They meandered to the Honda dragging a Radio Flyer,
And away they all drove, with a designated driver.
But I heard them exclaim, even though they seemed grumpy,
"Merry Christmas and next year we'll bring presents for Lumpy!"