Lumpy Birthday Party Planning

**Rated PG 13** Not appropriate for all readers

Lots of mommies call these "eviction notices", but I prefer to think of these things more like party planning events for Lumpy's birthday. (I think Lumpy wants cookie cake for his/her birthday . . hint, hint.)

There are numerous natural induction methods listed on the interweb ranging from the mundane (walking) to the quite horrific (castor oil - diarrhea anyone?). Some I plan to try this week and others I won't try unless I get really desperate (like April 15th kind of desperate).

• Walking/Galloping/Stair Climbing - Apparently motion stimulates the uterus to contract. I'm going to walk more, although I don't know how much it'll help. I think Lumpy is so used to me running, waddling and walking that I can't imagine it really making Lumpy want to come out now. Maybe walking at different times of the day will help.
  
• Sex - Sperm has protaglandins and this softens the cervix. Also, the same hormone that is released during birthing waves (oxytocin) is released during female orgasms. Poor Buttin will be a piece of meat (kind of like he was 9 months ago). I don't think this one is too terrible for either of us.
• Nipple stimulation - The same theory as sex, it releases oxytocin into the body.
• Spicy Foods - According to some, the irritation of the digestive system can stimulate birthing waves. Barbie swears that this spicy shrimp dish induced her, so I'm going to try it on Thursday (April 1st). She says it'll only take ONE SHRIMP.
  
• Evening Primrose Oil - this is a supplement and it's supposed to to boost protaglandin levels (same thing as sperm). The capsules have to be inserted into the who-ha in order to be completely effective (although some people take the pills orally). This one takes going to the store and buying something - I'm lazy so I'm not sure if I'll do this one anytime soon.
• Acupressure or Acupuncture. I'm all for getting another massage (maybe I'll schedule one), but I'm gonna have to say no to needles.
• Eliminate stress from life - HA! HA! This is impossible (probably for anyone), but I'm going to continue to do my Hypnobabies relaxation scripts on a daily basis - in fact, I have a new one called "Come Out, Baby!". I'll probably start listening to this one later on in the week.
  
• Swinging on a swing - (Same theory as walking/galloping) Sounds like fun, but I don't have a swing set.
  
• Bumpy car ride - (Same theory as walking/galloping) Kind of sounds like fun, but where are there bumpy roads?
  
• Bouncing on a birth ball (Melman) - (Same theory as walking/galloping) I guess I can do some of this while watching TV.
  
• Eat pineapple - Supposedly there are enzymes in pineapple that ripen the cervix. I don't like pineapple. Seriously, why can't yummy things induce labor - like cookie dough or Cadbury Eggs or Mac N Cheese? It'll be just my luck, but I'm sure I'll read something tomorrow about how beans make for a faster birthing time.
• Castor Oil - This is what you take when you hate your body and want to have severe cramps and diarrhea. The theory goes that by cleansing out your digestive system, your body will want to cleans out other stuff too - like a baby, for example. I've read too many horror stories about women going into labor with diarrhea and that sounds bad for everyone involved.

So, here goes! Some of these I'll start trying this week - others, I'll never try.