There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man (but known to woman). It is a dimension as vast as space (because my belly is so huge) and as timeless as infinity (or forty weeks). It is the middle ground between light (happy) and shadow (psycho), between science (doctor) and superstition (doula), and it lies between the pit of man's fears (read Buttin Turns Green) and the summit (more like the top of an ant hill) of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination (and perspiration). It is an area which we call the Twilight Zone (Labor & Delivery).
Tonight Buttin and I checked another thing off our Lumpy Preparedness List by taking a hospital tour. The tour itself was pretty informative and made me feel very relaxed and confident about our decision to have Lumpy at North Austin Medical Center. However, there were some real characters on the tour with us and I got a major case of the giggles.
The tour was scheduled to begin at 5:30. Buttin and I arrived around 5:15, signed in and got a little brochure. We were the second couple to arrive and during the next 20 - 25 minutes about five more couples joined us in the waiting room. The labor & delivery nurse/tour guide (we'll call her Sally) came in around 5:45 (I'm starving by the way) and did a little welcome speech. She also told us a few interesting things about their security procedures. For example, Lumpy will be wearing a heat sensitive security anklet (kind of like the tag on an expensive pair of jeans). If Lumpy is taken too close to the outside doors - the whole labor & delivery section of the hospital automatically locks down. If the heat sensitive chip is removed from the anklet, an alarm goes off. These folks aren't messing around and this makes me feel VERY comfortable.
After Sally reviews all the security features and check-in procedures, we head upstairs. On our way upstairs, we run into another pregnant lady and her mother (we'll call them Pregnant Lady and Crazy G-Mom). Sally explains that they should join us and that she will fill them in on all the information she's already discussed with the group at the end of the tour. These two women (especially the mother) were the highlight of the tour.
Our first stop is a Labor & Delivery room. Here is the exact description from the brochure of the L&D room, "Our labor rooms have a direct telephone line, Wi-Fi access, a flat screen TV, a sitting area with couch & glider, personal temperature controls, a private restroom with shower and heat lamp, 'made to order' room service . . .". Yes, the L&D room sounds better (and is better) than some hotel rooms I've occupied. It's only real flaw - the pillows. We really must bring our own pillows from home.
While we are in the L&D room, Crazy G-Mom asks the following question of "My daughter just bought some nursing bras - should she wash them before wearing them?" WHAT??? Are you serious?? God bless poor Sally, she very diplomatically said, "Well, it's always a good idea to wash any article of clothing your purchase before wearing it." At this point, Buttin and I started to look around the room - trying to find other people who found this line of questioning strange. We found another couple and exchanged looks that seemed to say, "Did she really ask that question out loud?".
After that wonderful question, Pregnant Lady asks Sally "Well, when I was at Baby's R Us, they said I needed special pacifiers if I'm going to breastfeed - is this true?" Really? I don't have anything against Baby's R Us employees (I'm sure they're all very wonderful), but I doubt any of them have real medical or lactation training - but oh well - maybe Baby's R Us is Pregnant Lady's primary source of pregnancy education. Again Sally gives a very diplomatic answer.
As we all walk to the nursery and postpartum room, Crazy G-Mom explains to the group that she's really just a nervous wreck because she doesn't know what to expect because it's been 30 years since she's given birth. Her daughter (the one actually having a baby) is much calmer, but still weird. While we're walking Crazy G-Mom tries to make conversation with all the other mommies around her - Buttin keeps pulling me back so that we are as far away from the Crazy G-Mom as possible (we don't want to get sucked in). At one point, Crazy G-Mom corners another mom and I just start cracking up - I can hear her asking the mother (the look on her face was one of a frightened, trapped animal) a stupid question like, "Should I wash my hands before holding my grandson?"
Once we're all in the postpartum room, the ridiculous questioning continues. Pregnant Lady asks, "Are there electrical outlets in the rooms so that I can plug in my laptop?" Again, I can't believe that people are asking these kinds of questions. At this point Buttin and I are pretty much ready to go, but Crazy G-Mom asks the following doozies:
Tonight Buttin and I checked another thing off our Lumpy Preparedness List by taking a hospital tour. The tour itself was pretty informative and made me feel very relaxed and confident about our decision to have Lumpy at North Austin Medical Center. However, there were some real characters on the tour with us and I got a major case of the giggles.
The tour was scheduled to begin at 5:30. Buttin and I arrived around 5:15, signed in and got a little brochure. We were the second couple to arrive and during the next 20 - 25 minutes about five more couples joined us in the waiting room. The labor & delivery nurse/tour guide (we'll call her Sally) came in around 5:45 (I'm starving by the way) and did a little welcome speech. She also told us a few interesting things about their security procedures. For example, Lumpy will be wearing a heat sensitive security anklet (kind of like the tag on an expensive pair of jeans). If Lumpy is taken too close to the outside doors - the whole labor & delivery section of the hospital automatically locks down. If the heat sensitive chip is removed from the anklet, an alarm goes off. These folks aren't messing around and this makes me feel VERY comfortable.
After Sally reviews all the security features and check-in procedures, we head upstairs. On our way upstairs, we run into another pregnant lady and her mother (we'll call them Pregnant Lady and Crazy G-Mom). Sally explains that they should join us and that she will fill them in on all the information she's already discussed with the group at the end of the tour. These two women (especially the mother) were the highlight of the tour.
Our first stop is a Labor & Delivery room. Here is the exact description from the brochure of the L&D room, "Our labor rooms have a direct telephone line, Wi-Fi access, a flat screen TV, a sitting area with couch & glider, personal temperature controls, a private restroom with shower and heat lamp, 'made to order' room service . . .". Yes, the L&D room sounds better (and is better) than some hotel rooms I've occupied. It's only real flaw - the pillows. We really must bring our own pillows from home.
While we are in the L&D room, Crazy G-Mom asks the following question of "My daughter just bought some nursing bras - should she wash them before wearing them?" WHAT??? Are you serious?? God bless poor Sally, she very diplomatically said, "Well, it's always a good idea to wash any article of clothing your purchase before wearing it." At this point, Buttin and I started to look around the room - trying to find other people who found this line of questioning strange. We found another couple and exchanged looks that seemed to say, "Did she really ask that question out loud?".
After that wonderful question, Pregnant Lady asks Sally "Well, when I was at Baby's R Us, they said I needed special pacifiers if I'm going to breastfeed - is this true?" Really? I don't have anything against Baby's R Us employees (I'm sure they're all very wonderful), but I doubt any of them have real medical or lactation training - but oh well - maybe Baby's R Us is Pregnant Lady's primary source of pregnancy education. Again Sally gives a very diplomatic answer.
As we all walk to the nursery and postpartum room, Crazy G-Mom explains to the group that she's really just a nervous wreck because she doesn't know what to expect because it's been 30 years since she's given birth. Her daughter (the one actually having a baby) is much calmer, but still weird. While we're walking Crazy G-Mom tries to make conversation with all the other mommies around her - Buttin keeps pulling me back so that we are as far away from the Crazy G-Mom as possible (we don't want to get sucked in). At one point, Crazy G-Mom corners another mom and I just start cracking up - I can hear her asking the mother (the look on her face was one of a frightened, trapped animal) a stupid question like, "Should I wash my hands before holding my grandson?"
Once we're all in the postpartum room, the ridiculous questioning continues. Pregnant Lady asks, "Are there electrical outlets in the rooms so that I can plug in my laptop?" Again, I can't believe that people are asking these kinds of questions. At this point Buttin and I are pretty much ready to go, but Crazy G-Mom asks the following doozies:
- If we want music, do we need to bring our own boom box (yes, I guess some people still use that term) or does each room have a sound system?
- What number should we give our family to call to check on my daughter and grandson?
- Can I get a "grandma" security bracelet?
- Do you have indoor plumbing?
OK, so maybe she didn't really ask that last one.
Honestly, being on this tour made me so thankful for my mother - if Crazy G-Mom was my mother, I'd run (waddle) away and never be seen in public with her. Crazy G-Mom asked so many more questions that I cannot even remember and NONE of them seemed very relevant, but several of them made me laugh.
The other character on our tour (and I felt kind of bad for her) was a 16 or 17 year old (that's Buttin's estimate) girl. She didn't really talk very much, but she was wearing the shortest little skirt and the tightest little top I've ever seen on a pregnant lady (keep in mind, I'm in no position to give maternity fashion advice - I was wearing gray stretchy pants, a yellow t-shirt, a blue sweatshirt and pink flip flops). She had a female friend with her, but I hope she has a parent or significant other as a support person. All I could think about when I'd look at her was, if Lumpy is a girl, please do not let her be like Bristol Palin, but if teenage Lumpy girl were to get pregnant, please let me be her support person on the hospital tour (and not some other teenager, smacking on bubble gum and texting on a cell phone).
On the whole, the hospital (aka twilight zone) tour got me very excited (I know it'll sound weird, but it's a similar feeling to visiting your wedding venue a few weeks before your wedding). I feel very comfortable with my ability to make choices and Sally said that all we need to do is communicate our desires with our nurses. Her words exactly, "This is your experience and we're just here to help".
Honestly, being on this tour made me so thankful for my mother - if Crazy G-Mom was my mother, I'd run (waddle) away and never be seen in public with her. Crazy G-Mom asked so many more questions that I cannot even remember and NONE of them seemed very relevant, but several of them made me laugh.
The other character on our tour (and I felt kind of bad for her) was a 16 or 17 year old (that's Buttin's estimate) girl. She didn't really talk very much, but she was wearing the shortest little skirt and the tightest little top I've ever seen on a pregnant lady (keep in mind, I'm in no position to give maternity fashion advice - I was wearing gray stretchy pants, a yellow t-shirt, a blue sweatshirt and pink flip flops). She had a female friend with her, but I hope she has a parent or significant other as a support person. All I could think about when I'd look at her was, if Lumpy is a girl, please do not let her be like Bristol Palin, but if teenage Lumpy girl were to get pregnant, please let me be her support person on the hospital tour (and not some other teenager, smacking on bubble gum and texting on a cell phone).
On the whole, the hospital (aka twilight zone) tour got me very excited (I know it'll sound weird, but it's a similar feeling to visiting your wedding venue a few weeks before your wedding). I feel very comfortable with my ability to make choices and Sally said that all we need to do is communicate our desires with our nurses. Her words exactly, "This is your experience and we're just here to help".
OMG classic! My tour was pretty uneventful..I wish I would have had some entertainment like that. :-)
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