No Verbal Filter

** Warning - contains disgusting stories from a complete stranger**

I don't know what it is, but when you're pregnant - people (strangers) just remove their filter and say whatever is on their mind (usually regarding my appearance or something about the baby).

You would NEVER go up to an overweight person and say, "Wow, you look so big.", but people do it to pregnant women all the time. For me, people usually tell me how small my stomach looks (which is starting to worry me & I plan to ask Dr. Elephant about it tomorrow), but I've also been told that my stomach looks so small because my hips are so wide (sounds like a compliment, but really it's not).

Well last night I had an experience with someone who had absolutely no verbal filter regarding pregnancy or babies - my massage therapist. I was really looking forward to my two hour massage, that is, until I realized that Talky McTalkison was my masseuse. Here are some key highlights from our conversation (in no particular order and with no transition, because honestly this woman would go from baby throw-up to trains in one breath):

• I look really small, but I'm probably carrying the baby more inside than out (not sure what this means).
• My hair looks dull, so I must be having a girl.
  
• My hips look like they're in an even, good position (this might be more of a massage therapist kind of thing to say, I'm not sure)
  
• Her son was full breech and enjoyed playing in her rib cage area.
  
• She's had two c-sections, one where she got "super glued" shut and the other where she had staples and two of her staples got infected.
  
• Her hospital wouldn't let her eat after her c-section until she had passed gas, so she told me the story of how she yelled down the hospital corridor, "I farted", when she had her daughter.
• Her son said in Krispy Kreme one day, "Mommy, that doughnut has a hole just like your vagina."
• Her birthing waves (yes, I had to use my Bubble of Peace many times during this experience) felt like really bad gas.
• When her son was an infant, he had explosive poop.
• When she had an IV put in, the anesthesiologist had to do it because the nurse tried unsuccessfully seven times.
  
• Her son can sit for hours and play with trains.
• Her daughter prefers the Nick Jr. over PBS TV programing.
  
• Her daughter never slept as a baby.
• Her son was jaundiced and had to have a baby tanning bed.
  
• An astrological reading told her she would have three children - girl, boy, girl - but she got started late so she "skipped" the first girl. Aside from that, everything from her astrological reading has come true.
  
• A male nurse taught her how to breastfeed (I'll spare you the details I got) and she had tons of milk for her son, but just the right amount for her daughter.
• She had one very mean nurse who wouldn't help her up to use the restroom.
• After she had her first child, she lost all sense of modesty and walked around her hospital room naked.
  
• Her son breastfed until he was 22 months old and her daughter until she was 14 months.
• Her son started walking at 11 months, but her daughter didn't start till 16 months.
• Apparently, when your child is ready to potty train you should just "go with it".
  
• She likes the paper underwear they give you in hospitals after you have a baby.
  

There were so many other things that she told me, but I think I blocked some of them from my memory. Apparently, seeing as I'm pregnant, she felt the need to tell me EVERYTHING about her pregnancies and her children. Honestly, I was virtually silent - she would just transition (rather ungracefully) from one topic to the next with no prompting from me. She was very, very sweet (and the massage itself was nice), but my goodness hearing about all this stuff was in NO WAY relaxing.

After the two hours were over - she said, "wow, that was the fastest two hours ever." Well, I'm glad it was for one of us.