The Massage I Wanted VS. The One I Got

A few months ago, Buttin and I purchased memberships to Massage Envy. Massage Envy, for lack of a better term, is a massage club where .for a monthly fee, we get one 50-minute massage per month. The monthly massages never expire and they come in handy when I'm sore from running or stressed out from misfit work.

I figured after an 8 mile run and a car accident, I deserved a relaxing massage. Unfortunately, I couldn't get an appointment with the woman who usually rubs me (Nancy), so I said what the heck, and tried Betty.

At Massage Envy, they keep a chart on file documenting everything I've requested during past sessions.

Based upon the massage I received tonight, I can only imagine this is what it must say on my chart, under "Preferences".

• Beat the lower half of her body like it's a piece of tough, gristle meat - Ye ouch, it was painful. It hurt so bad, it tickled.
• Spend lots of time making circles on her butt - Betty spent no less than 10 minutes making round motions with her fingers on my butt. I thought she was trying to summon aliens by making crop circles.
  
• Squeeze her head so hard, brain matter comes out her nose - I usually love the scalp massage part of the session, but this was uncomfortable.
• Even though there is a sheet, she prefers to spend the entire massage uncovered - I have no issues was nudity for the sake of massage, but I'm still a modest girl - I mean, the sheet is there for a purpose, right?
  
• By all means, move your hands as quickly as possible - I felt like my massage was a race her hands were competing in. The massage was a very generous 55 minutes, but the pace with which she worked made me feel like we were in a hurry.

Despite all the oddities of her technique - I feel really good (of course that could just be the five martinis talking). I'm relaxed now, even though my massage wasn't a very relaxing experience.