Friday, July 31, 2009

A Movie I Could Not Watch


**WARNING - LIZ - DO NOT READ THIS POST**

This morning (while sweating profusely & kind of jogging), I was listening to a Fresh Air podcast. The majority of the podcast was spent with Eric Bana, discussing Funny People (a movie I will happily go see), but the last third of the podcast was spent discussing a new documentary, The Cove.

The Cove details dolphin slaughter in Japan. The narrator (and protagonist, I think - I can't remember the details exaclty) is the guy who captured and trained all the cute little dolphins who played "Flipper". He is now, obviously, on the other side of the animals in captivity issue.

There is a cove in Japan, where dolphins are captured. Some trained and then sold to your neighborhood Sea World; however, some of the dolphins that are determined to be ugly or maybe not as trainable are KILLED!! Apparently, this cove has been rumored, but no one has ever filmed the slaughter before, until now.

The documentary was making me extremely angry and I was doing just fine until they started to interview this woman filmmaker. She was able to place a camera in an underwater rock in the cove where the dolphins were killed. She was also able to observe somethings above water. She immediately starts to sob as she describes one mortally wounded dolphin actually swimming towards her (I'm anthropomorphizing here a bit), as if begging for help. As she starts to sob harder (at this point I'm nearly unable to breath because I'm crying while running) - I try to push forward to the next podcast. I had my stupid ipod in the locked position - so I had to listen to another 30 seconds before finally being able to shut it off. It took me quite a few minutes to recover from this story & I'm still (obviously) thinking about it.

I see almost every movie that comes into theaters (especially if they're award winners), but I'll be skipping this movie. I'm really looking forward to my beluga whales encounter when I go to Chicago,but I really hope that there is no beluga whale cove anywhere.

Here is an msnbc article on The Cove.

Praying For A Freak Cold Front

Tomorrow I'll be in Houston with one of my very best friends, Nana. Nana and her sister, Weenie, are not what you'd call morning people, so trying to get them up to run before 8:00 AM on a Saturday isn't pleasant for any of us. One Saturday in May (when I was visiting), I tried to wake them both up for a run - one of them slammed a door in my face and I'm pretty sure the other one farted on me. We ended up running in Memorial Park at about 8:30 AM and I just about died (above is a picture of us after the run, lots of water and some Starbucks).

In order to prevent another May running experience I thought I'd just go ahead and get all my running out of the way before my weekend trip. (Although, Nana did leave me a message about promising to wake up at 5 or 6 - ha!) I did my long run this morning. I know I've never mentioned it before, but it's really freaking hot out - even when I start running (at 5:30 AM) it's already in the mid-80s + crap loads of humidity. I think I probably add about 5 lbs to my running load due to the amount of sweat that collects in my running shorts.

This morning I did a little over nine miles at a pace slower than pee soaked carpet dries in this humidity. I was actually reading my newest People magazine (while taking my pre-run poo) and I saw that Valerie Bertinelli runs MUCH faster than I do (she did a 2:12 half marathon). I have a long way to go.

Here are my haiku prayers for a cold front:

Please little sunshine
Cool off a little for me
Refrigerator

Sweaty yucky clothes
Wish they did not smell so bad
I never get hugs

I think cooler thoughts
But the snow it never comes
Would settle for rain

Thursday, July 30, 2009

My Heath Care Plan

It seems like everyone is talking about health insurance these days. I'm not a doctor, veterinarian, politician, lawyer, plumber, zoologist, botanist, chemist, circus employee, nutritionist, pharmacist, actor, writer or nail technician - but I am a renowned sleep expert and proficient sweat creator & I have a plan!

  1. Get rid of all insurance companies. Heath care should be a collaboration between doctor and patient, not bureaucrat and higher-up bureaucrat. I'm sure there's some econmic loss associated with doing this, but I'm sure there's also some gain - I'm not really an economist, but I do pay my own bills online - so I feel that I'm somewhat qualified to make these assumptions.
  2. Dissolve Medicare - This represents about $480 Billion per year in savings.
  3. Government gives everyone (every age) $3000/year in a HSA This will cost about $921 Billion. This money is used by individuals to make their own health care decisions. Since insurance companies are not involved this will increase competition and lower overall costs. Again, this is my working theory - but five out of six misfits agree with me.
  4. If all the funds are not used in the HSA - they will carryover into the next year, so (ideally) the money will grow for those who are healthy. There should be several issuing bank options for consumers. Hopefully, this increases bank competition and also the individual's return on their HSA funds. The profits on HSA accounts are split equally between the patient and the L-TAC agency (see #6). As an example, let's say the yearly returns are $100 per account. This is approximately $15 Billion per year each for the L-TAC and patients.
  5. All employers pay $250/month/employee (regardless of status or hours) to the L-TAC (Long-Term Treatment and Care) account - I'm sure someone could come up with a better acronym or term, but I'm don't really have this skill. This could be employee paid (up to 50%), or employers could pay all of it (this is about $50 less than what we currently pay as a small business per employee for health insurance). This is approximately $660 Billion per year.
  6. Set up a non profit & non government agency for distribution of L-TAC funds. The L-TAC funds will be used after an individual has depleted their HSA account. The L-TACAfunds can only be used for long-term illnesses (like cancer treatment), pregnancy and long-term care. Set rates for these services will be determined by medical professionals in advance (so there's no stupid haggling). Hospitals and doctors will be responsible for all L-TAC claim submissions.
So - here's a summary of my plan:

Costs - $921 Billion
Savings/Revenue - $1.16 Trillion
Difference - + $234 Billion (per year)

Some of these savings should be used to create the L-TAC agency and the rest of the funds should be held in a reserve account and used during times of economic downturn (when there aren't as many employees paying into the L-TAC) or used for someother kind of healthcare benefit.

So that's my first plan. My other plan consists of cookie dough for everyone - because soon it will be proven that cookie dough cures all illnesses and makes you happy. I'm still working on the logistics of the CDP (cookie dough plan).

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

She Only Looks Sweet

Yeah - she looks like a good, sweet puppy.

BUT

She just snapped (and I mean really snapped) at Aunt Barbie.

I feel like the parent of a bully whenever she misbehaves (she's notoriously dominate aggressive with other dogs). Barbie was just petting her tummy sweetly, which Molly usually loves. I feel so inadequate as a dog parent.

I made a vet appointment for her on Monday because this isn't typical behavior.

Molly did try to go up to Barbie soon after the incident, to apologize and she also wrote Aunt Barbie this poem (not a great poem, but hey - she's a dog):

I'm sorry, so sorry
I love you, Aunt Barbie.

I'm Molly, grumpy doggy
Didn't mean to, give you a nubby.

You fed me chicken, I liked the chicken
Didn't mean to, bite you like chicken.

I'm sorry, so sorry
Please forgive me, Aunt Barbie.

Your face, I kiss it, kiss, kiss
But I promise not to look like this:

Cute Babies vs. Sweet Babies

Barbie has this theory. A baby is either cute (which means the baby is cute) or sweet (which means the baby has a good personality).

Last night, Buttin and I went to meet Connor McKenzie.

Connor is a CUTE baby (and I'm not just saying that because Ben & Ann are good friends). I think he might be a little scared of me though, because I spent about an hour just pushing on his cuter than cookie dough nose. I just couldn't stop touching it. Ann & Ben were good about it - but I'm sure they were happy when we left.

I'm sure that when/if we ever have Lumpy - it'll be a SWEET baby. First of all, if you've seen my artistic rendering of Lumpy - you know it's off to a good start. Secondly, my mother was apparently a VERY SWEET baby. Sadly, I don't have any pictures of her - but apparently people used to recoil when they saw her face. She had some weird baby eczema on her face - a face that only Bubie (her mother) could love. Lastly, Buttin and I were moderately cute babies (see pictures above), so I'm pretty sure by the law of averages - we're destined to have a sweet baby.

Strange Rashes and Stranger Tanlines

This is my first summer really running. I started training for my half marathon last year in August, but I was only doing 3 or 4 miles at that time.

Running in the Texas heat (see above for a graphic representation) with the amount of sweat that I produce, has caused some really strange rashes/rubs on my body and also given me some truly bizarre tan lines.

After any given run, I can usually find 3 - 5 weird hickeyish marks on my body. I can't feel them being created while I run, but holy cow do they sting when I hop in the shower. My body's favorite places to get these lovely marks is on the top of my hip, my middle chest and where my underwear meets my inner thigh (yeochy).

For my long runs, I try to run on trails and protect my skin with sunscreen (I'm also a little paranoid about skin cancer after listening to a pod cast about it), but I still end up with some very funny tan lines. I have an awesome sock tan and my running skirt leaves this very unique semi-wobbly tan line on my upper thigh. I think it's because my running skirt gets so weighed down with my great smelling sweat that it sometimes sticks to my thigh, causing these fabulous tan lines.


In other running news - I had some very strange heart palpitations after this morning's run. I only did about 6 miles, but I did some pretty difficult hills and my heart rate was above 185 for at least 30 minutes. About 10 minutes after getting home, my heart had this really strange flutter - I actually had to lay down (sweat and all) on my bed. If I put my hand on my chest - I could actually see my hand moving up and down. It was very bizarre & did not feel comfortable in the least. It was strange because my heart rate felt very erratic, but I couldn't find my heartbeat in my neck (where I usually count my beats per minute). Maybe I'm a vampire - I have been watching a lot of True Blood lately. After about 30 minutes of laying down, I started to feel better.

When Buttin got home - I told him about my strange heart beat. He said it has happened to him before when he has worked out while being hungover. Well, I was only drinking chocolate milk last night, so the obvious conclusion is that chocolate milk is like my vodka.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Baby Boy McKenzie

Two of our dear friends, Ben & Ann, had a baby boy yesterday. His name is Connor McKenzie and he's such a lucky baby. Here is a little letter from me to him.

Dear Connor McKenzie,

You are such a lucky little baby. Your parents have been waiting to meet you for a long time, and I guess you couldn't wait to meet them - since you decided to come a little early.

Your parents spent the days leading up to your arrival moving from south to north Austin (to be closer to me, no doubt), of course - during one of the hottest weekends of the year. Your poor, sweet mother.

I can't wait to meet you Connor McKenzie and to spend countless Saturday mornings eating Dim Sum with you and your parents (of course, when you start eating solid foods - which should be by the end of August, right?).

Take it easy on your mother and father by sleeping through the night by next Tuesday (no pressure). I know your dad has been so busy getting the house ready for you. He even repainted the garage door because someone from the neighborhood welcoming committee painted a giant portrait of a penis and two testicles on it. We're classy in north Austin.

Please call me if you ever want to go see Harry Potter or eat cookie dough.

Your friend,
Stephanie

Other Running Blogs

Now that I'm a blogger, I've started to read other blogs on topics that interest me (sadly, I haven't been able to find many blogs on taking naps - I think all those people are sleeping).

Here are a few creative and encouraging running blogs:
  • Pieces of Me - she thinks running 8.59 min/miles for 20 miles is slow. Isn't she hilarious?
  • 21 Days - she started running over 3 years ago and is about to have a baby - a human baby.
  • Ramblings of a Running Addict - she's just plain crazy (but in a motivating and good way), but the first step is admitting you have a problem.
  • Run Faster Mommy - I particularly enjoyed her post about donuts being "fuel". This is my kind of running.
  • Slow is the New Fast - this is my kind of girl. She's also about ready to have a baby. I'm guessing having a baby has something to do with running.
I can only hope that one day some other runner will enjoy reading my blog as much as I enjoy reading these.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Thirty Second Movie Review - Orphan

Orphan

Solid thriller that crossed some pretty interesting lines. Enjoyed the twist and it wasn't what I had guessed.

Thirty Second Movie Review - 500 Days Of Summer

500 Days Of Summer

Wonderfully, charming and delightful little film. I smiled and laughed during almost every minute of the movie. It's not this summer's Once, but it's damn close.

Peeing On Stuff & Other Ways To Impress Your Boss

Most of the misfits work very hard, so I try to cut them some slack. However, there are somethings that the misfits do that really impress (and by impress, I mean infuriate) me.

Here are some of my recommendations (based upon actual misfit behavior) for how you can impress your boss:
  • Take a nap during the workday - OK, I'm the biggest proponent of nap time you'll ever meet, but if your boss is working - you should be too. Especially if your boss is me, I get jealous. The next time I catch a misfit napping (unless they are sick or got here at 5:00 AM for a truck), I'm going to let all the other misfits color on their face.
  • Disappear - by all means, when you're told to do something (like take Rascal to his new home), disappear and don't tell anyone where you're going.
  • Pee on the only semi-working toilet - seriously, we have one semi-working toilet - when someone (ahem . . . a boy misfit) pees all over it - it's vile.
  • Be disrespectful of each other - I just did an entire post on this topic, but I can't really say it enough - please be nice to other misfits or I put you in time out and let the other misfits throw old food from our fridge at you.
  • Break something and then try to hide it - misfits breaking things is pretty much a daily occurrence, but when they try to hit it, that's what makes me upset. One time a misfit decided to use the side of a van to paint a pole, but didn't tell us. That was a nice surprise.
I'm sure I'll be able to add to this list soon. I'm just waiting for the misfits to show up and do something stupid.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Thirty Second TV Show Review - Tosh.0

Tosh.0

This Comedy Central show is kind of like The Soup (which I also love), but with web clips. It's sometimes mean, but always hilarious.

Risk Averse Doesn't Even Begin To Describe It

Buttin is in Las Vegas this weekend. He's already been propositioned by a prostitute and followed around by a drunk guy, so it's safe to say - he's having a good time.

I think Las Vegas is OK, but too many lights, strange color combinations and desperation makes it kind of sad.

A few people gave Buttin $100 each to bet on certain games, like roulette and the poker bonus. Buttin asked me if I'd also like him to bet money for me. I told him no thank you and this wasn't a surprise to him - he knows it pains me to gamble.

It started as a child. When I was only about 10 or so - I spent about four weeks worth of allowance ($10) trying to win a cake walk at our school fair. I had the best of intentions - I wanted to win it for my mother (I promise, it wasn't for myself - but I may have wanted one piece). I even bet my one and only silver dollar trying to win a stupid cake.

When I came home from the fair, I was so ashamed - I don't think I even admitted it to my mother right away, but I did tell my dad (I think secretly I hoped he might just give me $10 - I am a daddy's girl, after all and I had learned at a very young age that he didn't like it when I was upset. This is why I fear having a little girl, but that's another post entirely). He told me something that I still remember and think about to this day, he said - "A fool and his money are soon parted." (He also told me I had "champagne taste and a beer pocket book", but that too, is another post.) I know now that this is something commonly said, especially to foolish little girls trying to win a cake, but at the time - I thought it was very profound.

A couple years ago, Buttin and I took my dear mother-in-law (Mom Marsha) to Las Vegas to visit Bubie (my grandmother). I'm kind of a penny and nickle slot kind of girl (classy, I know), so it took pretty much all my courage (and a bottle of vodka) to play blackjack at the (wait for it) $5 table. I think $5 tables are pretty much as low as it goes, but this was letting go for me. I had a good time and I was able to make my $25 last for quite sometime, but let's just say, I wasn't getting many comps. It was just uncomfortable knowing that $5 could go so quickly - serioulsy, I could buy at least two packages of cookie dough for $5.

It's not just money, I'm pretty risk averse when it comes to most things in my life. I don't plan on skydiving or bungee jumping or eating blow fish anytime soon - in fact the riskiest thing I plan on doing in the next couple of weeks is swimming with beluga whales in Chicago (I can't wait). And even this - is not that risky, my fabulous friend Liz (we're going to Chicago with her & her husband) looked it up the interweb and she couldn't find any cases of beluga whales biting people. I'm hoping not to be the first.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

I Feel Motivated, But Enough To Actually Get Off The Couch

As I sit on my couch, with towels strategically placed over the windows to make it darker - I'm absolutely positive that watching the Ironman on TV must count for something.

NBC certainly has perfected the emotionally swelling music and narration thingy - as I almost cried no less than five times. I'm guessing they've had a lot of practice pulling at heart strings with the Olympics.

All of these athletes have stories and none of them are short of inspiring. There's a seventy-two year old finisher, a paraplegic, Navy Seals, people racing as a promise to a now deceased relative and countless others. I should never complain about the heat and 10 miles again. When one prominent athlete wasn't able to finish, the narrator said - "She was only able to make it 9 miles into the marathon." Holy crap! That's after a 2.4 mile swim and 110 mile bike, and then she managed to run only one less mile than I did this morning. I completely understand that this was a disappointment for her, but wow - it makes me feel like a lazy, whiny baby.

Now that I feel motivated - I'm going to use the energy to look for something else to watch, skateboarding is on next and that doesn't seem nearly as inspiring.

Christmas In July

Christmas is only 5 months away!!

To say that I'm a Christmas freak might be an understatement. It's actually a fantastic time to indulge in one of my favorite hobbies - cookie dough eating, but I love pretty much everything about Christmas.

I really do hope that everyone has started to buy me presents.

While running today, in the million degree heat - it was difficult for me to even begin to think about Christmas, but I did. Mostly, I was thinking that by Christmastime I will have (safely) completed my first marathon. Hopefully, it won't take me from November 15th to December 25th to finish the marathon, but at my current training pace - it just might.

I did a little over 10 miles this morning at a pace that probably qualifies as slow walking - even though I was trying to run/jog. I think all the sweat is slowing me down - although a very fast runner passed me and he was like a oscillating sprinkler. He won the most disgusting runner prize today, but I was a close second.

I'm praying that come September & October I'll be able to get back to my 10 min/mile pace (still not that fast for most people), and also run longer distances without having to sweat like Santa in the desert.

Friday, July 24, 2009

CAPTURED!!


Captured Alive: Rascal
Crime: Bird-A-Cide (Wingus)

He's too cute to be punished, so we'll probably just set him free on the golf course with all his other buddies.

American Idol, You Just Got Served

I know, I'm a dork.

Here are five reasons why So You Think You Can Dance is better than American Idol.
  1. SYTYCD has about a billion times more heart. - I cry or almost cry at least once a week while watching SYTYCD. I didn't think I could stop after this week's Ade/Melissa routine. AI singing has never moved me to tears.
  2. No crappy theme nights. -On SYTYCD, every night has different styles; if you don't like one style, wait two minutes and it'll change. Sometimes an entire show of AI can be ruined by the crappy theme.
  3. Much better costumes. - I could never wear these costumes, but they are awesome. AI contestants look so boring in comparison.
  4. You have to deal with Mary Murphy screaming (which I secretly don't hate), but it's no where near as bad as Paula's nonsensical ramblings. - This is pretty self-explanatory.
  5. Dancing is just more fun. - I am also much better at dancing than I am at singing, which is kind of like saying I'm better at carpet cleaning than I am at carpet repairing. I enjoy dancing around the house, in my car and at work - I don't care if people are watching. Watching dancing is just more fun than watching people sing, and this is a fact.
Here are my top girl & top guy: Jeanine & Ade

Barbie Awards




Barbie was unhappy with her Missie Award.

Like any good misfit, she made her displeasure known by complaining all day long. It was exhausting for me to have to listen to her - everyone should feel badly for me.

I decided to give her, her own post - complete with a list of misfit awards that she could also receive.




  • Hot Witch Award - at last year's trade show, she took one for the team and dressed up like a sexy Samantha from Bewitched (even though I think my genie costume was much worse).
  • Butt Crack Award - this award is so called because Barbie loves to sing the Butt Crack Song. From time to time she will also sing about other
  • Most Patient With Other Misfits Award - Barbie is angelic with co-workers and customers alike, at least to their faces. She may hang up the phone and scream all kinds of expletives, but at least she waits for the conversation to finish.
  • Reality TV Award - when Barbie is not talking about butt cracks, she's talking about the latest happenings on Charm School or Rock of Love or I could go on . . .
There you go Barbie - I hope you're happy now.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

The First Annual Misfit Awards

The other day, Patty (who is our accounting misfit) got the Touchdown Duck for downloading a virus on her computer while trying to google "Bachelorette Spoilers" (obviously, very important to accounting). She told Barbie and I that at her previous job she was "Employee of the Month" - twice. Barbie and I assumed that she must have been on vacation those two months because there's no other way that Patty could have been a model employee.

Well, we could never have "Employee of the Month"at Carpet Warehouse, but I would like to start giving out the "Misfit Awards" or Missies (for short).

Here they are:

Grandma Award: Todd (or Tubby-Tub as I call him)
Tubby-Tub takes forever to do anything. It's really because he's so busy, but you could tell him there was a million dollars waiting for him in South Austin and it would take him 5 hours to get there.

Aww Shucks/Doh Award: James
James does this at least once a day.
Hutto Award: Tim R.
Tim likes to leave everyday between 11AM - 1PM claiming he has a measurement in Hutto. By "measurement", he means go home and take a nap.

Email Award: Sean
Sean gets this award because he is the only misfits who knows how to use a computer for anything besides playing poker or googling reality TV shows (ahem . . .Barbie & Patty). I think he can send an email and doodle in MS Paint, but that's where his expertise ends.

AMEX Award: Tim B.
Tim takes my AMEX almost every morning. He's supposed to be fixing up one of our cleaning vans, but I really think he's building a spaceship - one Home Depot purchase at a time.

Diabetic Sugar Addict: Tim A.
We have a few diabetics in our office, so this award was more difficult to win than you might think. Tim loves sugar so much he even ate granola bars with worms.

Cubby Hole Award: Patty
Patty's office can best be described as a cubby hole (and that's being generous). Half the time, people don't even know if she's here or not. However, if the conversation turns to lunch plans or the latest gossip in reality TV - she quickly pokes her head out of her hole.

Roach Soup Award: Rhonda (I call her Barbie)
Barbie is very good about bringing her lunch from home; however, she sometimes likes to bring the most disgusting concoctions ever created. The worst one to date, has been a can of icky bean soup, which I re-named roach soup.

Bad Luck Award: Jesus
Jesus does quite a few misfitty things on his own (like backing a van into a dumpster at about 30 mph); however, he does happen to have some of the worst luck imaginable. One day, he kicked a random rock in our parking lot and it hit our glass door, shattering it.

Have Bobbs? Will Discount Award: Richard
Richard is notorious for giving big discounts to our well-endowed female customers. He was once asked why there was so little profit in a particular sale, to which he responded - "Did you see her boobs?".

Disappearing/Reappearing Award: Bobby
Bobby is a new misfit and in his short time here really hasn't done that many misfit-like things. He does manage to come and go without me noticing, which leads me to the very obvious conclusion that he must be magic.


Keep Your Hands Off My History (and Science Too)

**WARNING** This post is not about fun stuff like misfits, running or Lumpy. I have always wanted this blog to stay a little bit on the lighter side, but after hearing a story on the radio this morning (and since this IS my blog), I feel the need to release some anger and frustration. I'm not incredibly proficient at staying on topic, so I apologize now if this post offends or bores anyone. Also, it's long.

It all started this morning while I was listening to NPR. I heard this story in our local news section of Morning Edition (here's a WSJ article on the same topic). I know that I'm becoming more and more like my father with every passing minute. Like him, I get enraged at hearing the news. He usually gets all worked up while watching Fox (boo-hiss), and while we certainly do not agree on every issue - I think that he'd agree with me on this one ,especially considering how he values education and was a history major.

The basic gist of this story revolves around the Texas Board of Education and the appointed reviewers of the history curriculum taught in Texas schools. From the WSJ article:

Three reviewers, appointed by social conservatives (on the board), have recommended revamping the K-12 curriculum to emphasize the roles of the Bible, the Christian faith and the civic virtue of religion in the study of American history. Two of them want to remove or de-emphasize references to several historical figures who have become liberal icons, such as César Chávez and Thurgood Marshall.

Oh by all means, let's remove the first African-American supreme court justice and a Mexican-American civil rights leader from history. Does this mean we're not going to discuss Brown v. Board of Education??! This makes me so proud to be a Texan. I can't wait for Lumpy to become an uneducated bigot who thinks the only important people in American history are white and "Christian". (I put Christian in quotes because I find most people, including those in this article, who claim to be Christian are quite the opposite of the loving, forgiving and tolerate person who they pretend to follow, Christ.)

One of the three reviewers appointed by the conservatives (there were also three reviewers appointed by liberal or moderate members of the board) is Rev. Peter Marshall. Rev. Marshal is . . how do I say this nicely? The man is a dick hole who preaches in his sermons that Hurricane Katrina was God's punishment for our nation's sexual immorality. Wrong-O Sir! Hurricane Katrina was the result of a natural occurring phenomenon that happens when warm tropical ocean waters quickly warm the air, but as you no doubt have dismissed all the evidence of global warming and are clearly uneducated in the the area of science, I wouldn't expect you to know this information.

Now, the catastrophic aftermath of Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, man made. The aftermath was a direct result of our governments lack of concern for the poor, more specifically the African-American poor. I can guarantee you, had Hurricane Katrina hit Houston - good ole President George Bush would have been down there pledging federal dollars faster than you can say "nuclear".

Ok, so back to Rev. Marshal (who by the way has no expertise in history or education - in fact, I couldn't even find out if he graduated from high school, but he probably has some degree in racism from Liberty University - I also think is so fitting that it's located in a city call Lynchburg) and his push to teach our children that America's founding principals are Biblical. Also from the WSJ article:

The curriculum, they say, should clearly present Christianity as an overall force for good -- and a key reason for American exceptionalism, the notion that the country stands above and apart.

I'm all for teaching children about the diverse religions that have shaped our country and make it interesting, but if we're going to focus on Christianity - let's be honest, shall we? Some of our early "Christian" settlers were murderous bigots. If Christians want to take responsibility for the founding principles of the country are they also going to take responsibility for genocide of the American Indians? Also, many of the original colonies were divided by different religious sects, but pretty much unified on their hatred of Catholicism. We also have a history of religious persecution in the U.S. as some "Christians" executed other "Christians".

This is all very well described in a book I listened to (on my ipod, while running) titled "God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything". This is an excellent book, that I highly recommend if you want to learn more about the historical man-made nature of religion, and quite frankly - as it's title implies, how it poisons everything.

To bolster his argument of the Bible's importance to American History, Rev. Bigot likes to use a quote from Andrew Jackson:

"The Bible is the rock on which this republic rests."

What?? Are you freaking kidding me??! Andrew Jackson owned slaves for the love of all things cookie dough! Just because a president says something, doesn't make it true (ah, hello? weapons of mass destruction anyone?). While we're on the subject of presidents, allow me (or don't - I don't care, as I mentioned before, this is MY blog) to digress for a minute. President Bush is/was stupid. I firmly believe that our President should be smarter than me. To be clear, I'm not that smart. I think (just like my high school class rank) that I fall somewhere in the lower first quarter or upper second quarter of the population when it comes to intelligence (certainly the top 5 percent when it comes to napping and cookie dough eating). That leaves plenty of people qualified to be president. One of those people is not Sarah Palin - I've taken dumps with more smarts than she has. And just to show that I'm fair, I think I'm smarter than Joe Biden (the man says some truly dunder-headed things). Although, I do believe Vice President Biden has done far better things for our country than Sarah Palin or George Bush combined. I also think that John McCain is smarter than I am and would have probably been more supportive of him had he not shown such stupidity when picking Sarah Palin as his running mate (I thought Lieberman would have made a good choice).

So back to the Texas Board of Education and the three conservative reviewers (two of which run conservative Christian organizations and one professor of public affairs at American University) who want to eliminate all diversity and promote only the Christian philosophy in social studies.

Here are some of their proposed changes:

  • As previously mentioned, remove Thurgood Marshall from history books and possibly replace him with Sam Houston. Yeah - that makes sense, let's remove the first African American supreme court justice with a white slave owner. They also mention possibly adding Harriet Tubman, siting that Thurgood Marshall is a weak example. How about adding Harriet Tubman and leaving Sam Houston in the Texas History books, huh?
  • Also as previously mentioned, remove Cesar Chavez. Apparently the conservative reviewers think organizing boycotts and strikes for the rights of farm workers (along with any other demonstration aimed at questioning of the government, I'm sure) is a poor example of citizenship. I'm sure these same lame-a-tards think the "Tea Parties" held this past April 15th were examples of being good citizens (I for one am just happy that people choose to get passionate about anything - part of being a good American citizen is questioning the decisions our government makes and showing our displeasure by demonstrating peacefully), but poor farm laborers, demonstrating? - that's just un-American.
  • They would also like (and this is one of my favorites) to replace all references to "democratic" values with "republican" values. The justification for which is explained by the fact that we don't pledge allegiance to the "democracy" for which it stands. Seriously? I hope none of my tax dollars are going to these nimrods and their suggestions. This is perhaps the stupidest things I've ever heard. Why not just be honest - most social conservatives (no doubt, including these three reviewers) are Republicans and they would like our children to read that word as many times as possible.
In contrast, the three reviewers appointed by moderate or liberal board members are all professors of history or education. Wow! What a fabulous idea - let's have those people determining what our children learn about history actually know a thing or two about history or education!

Here are some of the things that they propose:
  • Tone down the emphasis of the Cold War and add the study of Arab Nations and Islam. Sounds reasonable, right?
  • Add more Latino historical figures. Again, sounds good - especially considering this is Texas.
  • Remove references about minorities participation in American history "contributions to society". I really like this one, they say " . . .that it marginalizes women and people of color to talk about their "contributions to society," as though they are standing outside and only offering a few crumbs of value."
I can only hope that when Lumpy goes to school, the curriculum aims to teach children tolerance of all people, that being a good citizen means questioning authority and that all religions play a role in American History.

OK, I'm finished - I got all my frustration out of my system - for now, at least.

In other news, I had to Febreeze my ipod running holder thing this morning because it smelt so bad.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

A Brief Apology In Poetic Form

Penance

I didn't really do wrong, but I didn't do right;
when I took you to see you that movie tonight.

You said it was OK, but a penance was given;
three tasks to do, before I'd be forgiven.

The first task to prove my true remorse,
is to let you win a game of Lexulous, of course.

The second item will show that I'm truly sorry;
I'll allow Cartman to lick my face with his pee.

The third thing (a gift), we can drink with Cheetos,
I'll be over on Saturday with a new bottle of Titos.

So, I hope you'll accept this apology of mine;
As I go wash my face one last time.

I hope this pennace proves my sincerity,
and that you'll still want to be best friends with me.

Buttin - A Story In Pictures

The Story of Buttin (my husband) in Pictures

A long (long, long, long) time ago, Buttin was born in the small town of Memphis, Texas. There are about 43 residents of Memphis, combined they have 124 teeth (I kid, I kid).

As a small boy, Buttin would spend hours and hours dreaming of how one day he would grow up and be a sailor.His dear mother (not wanting him to be sent off to an unjustified war) discouraged her young son's sailor dreams by telling him that real sailors cannot wear knee-high socks with girl shoes, so Buttin soon gave up his dream of becoming a world famous seamen (like Popeye).

Buttin, being the positive little kid that he was, soon found another calling. He was going to become a veterinarian/farmer. He enjoyed his daily visit at Da's (grandfather) farm and loved all the animals, especially the cows. He was amazed at how many teeth they had.


Again, Buttin's dear mother (not wanting him to get bit by wild animals or hurt on the farm) tried to discourage his choice. She told him that being a vet didn't mean you could hold animals upside and poke them in the teeth. For Buttin, this was a deal breaker (especially the teeth poking part).

Within no time, Buttin had discovered a new career path - professional athlete. He tried all sports and since there were only like five other kids in school, he was one of the best (even in cheer leading).




Buttin couldn't think of any reason why his mother wouldn't want him to be a professional athlete, but she (not wanting her son to have to cut his basketball mullet) came up with a couple good ones. She told him that professional athletes don't make any money and they never get the girl, so being the ladies man that he was; he decided against the professional athlete route.

During the next couple of years, Buttin fell in love with hair metal. He was hot for Tawny Kitaen, so he decided he was going to be a rock star.

While his dear mother liked the idea of having Tawny Kitaen for a daughter in law, she didn't want her son to get sucked in to the hard partying lifestyle of a rock star. Memphis was the home town of the regionally famous band, Cow Tipping Teeth Having, and their lead singer was always getting arrested for drinking in a dry county. She told her beloved son that if he became a rock star, he might have to drop out of school, and Buttin loved academics.

As Buttin aged (really, aged), he started to attract the attention of the opposite sex, and some of these girls even showered on weekly basis. He thought he could use his raw, yet powerful magnetism in his new career goal, male escort.

(Nice mullet, no?) After he proclaimed to his dear mother that he wanted nothing in the world more than to be an escort, she started to laugh. She knew that her son was attractive, but told him that if he became an escort he'd have to spend a lot of time with girls. Seeing as most of the girls he knew had two teeth and used dirt for soap, he didn't think it was such a good idea anymore.

Buttin gave up on the male escort goal, and decided to instead, go to college. While at Texas Tech (which is like a college, but with fewer requirements), Buttin majored in advertising. He then turned his advertising training into selling everything (not himself) from computer training to bank data. One day, while working at a not so great sales job, Buttin met an enchanting genie.


This particular genie was a career genie. Butitn told the genie about all of his career aspirations, starting with sailor and ending with male escort. The genie granted Buttin one career wish and asked him about his dream career.

Buttin told the genie that he wanted three things from his new career:
  1. To work with a bunch of lovable misfits;
  2. To find hobos on a daily basis; and
  3. To work with the woman he loved.
With that, the genie married Buttin and they became the small business owners of Carpet Warehouse. As a bonus, she also taught him a thing or two about taking naps.


When Buttin told his dear mother all about Carpet Warehouse, she was delighted. She told him that she had always dreamed of him finding a sweet genie and a career that made him happy. She couldn't believe that he had made it from a small town (without a dentist) all the way to a business owner who shares his office with raccoons, birds, misfits and the woman he loves.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Misfits - Please Respect Other Misfits


As a side note, I absolutely LOVE this picture. It looks fake, right? But it's a real poster for Penn State. I would love to get the Misfits to pose for a picture like this.

Our misfits are the most angelic creatures when they speak to me. They treat me with a great deal of respect - at least to my face anyway. However, the misfits don't always understand the difference between an appropriate or inappropriate request or response when speaking to each other. For their benefit, I've provided some examples of each:


Requests:

I'm sick of waiting, you've got to wake this hobo right now. (Incorrect)
When you have a moment, would you please help me wake this hobo? (Correct)

Response:

The hobo is not my problem, plus you stink. (Incorrect)
Yes, I'll be right there as soon as I finish helping this customer. (Correct)

Request:

My customer's radio was stolen. Did you do it? (Incorrect)
My customer has an issue, can you please help me solve it? (Correct)

Response:

You can stick your thumb up your butt and tell your customer to do the same. (Incorrect)
Of course, what can I do to help? (Correct)

I really want to teach them that a little PLEASE & THANK YOU can go a long way in endearing yourself to co-workers. However, they prefer the demand and curse approach.

My Other Desk Calendar

I always talk about my "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff" desk calendar. It provides me with daily thoughts to take my mind off the major catastrophes of my life (hey - if you had a dog pee on your bathmat right when you got out of the shower - you'd think it was a major catastrophe too).

Well, I do have another desk item - it's not so much a calendar, but it's a little flip book called "Nasty Notes" that I display to everyone in the office. This little book conveys my true thoughts and emotions much more accurately than my don't sweat calendar.

A few of the ones most commonly displayed are:
  • Ahhh. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again. - This is why we have the Touchdown Duck.
  • Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. - Truer words have never been spoken.
  • Sarcasm: just one more service we offer. - The only problem with using sarcasm in our office is that some of the misfits don't get it.
  • Does your train of thought have a caboose? - I seriously sat in a meeting with one of our misfits and even after 30 minutes - I had no idea what he was saying.
  • Don't annoy the crazy person. - I am the crazy person.
  • And your crybaby whiny ass opinion would be? - Whine, whine, whine - it's not the island of misfit of toys unless someone is complaining about something (mostly about another misfit).
On any given today, I'm usually somewhere in the middle of the DSTSS Calendar and Nasty Notes flip book. Today, I'm feeling more, "It is impossible for any of us to be positive all the time. After all, we are human and we are thinking machines." than "No problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else." Of course, this positive attitude may have more to do with me going to bed at 8:30 last night than the absence of misfit trouble.

Monday, July 20, 2009

But I Wanted To Be A Fantana

I've been seeing these commercials for auditions to become the next Fantana.

I've never drank (or is it drunk?) a Fanta before, but seeing as I'm an expert singer and semi-professional dancer (not the pole kind) - I thought this would be an excellent occasion for me to be the new Fantana. I even thought of a new flavor - Splenda! (If you click on the Fantana link above, you'll even see the color of the missing Fantana is YELLOW, like Splenda)

Well, sadly I missed the June 30th deadline, but after reading all the rules - I realize that I wouldn't have qualified.

Contestant cannot have:
  • a musical recording contract - I wonder why this one is listed separately from the three below, I can only guess they value music more. Sadly, I have a kazoo contract.
  • a dancing, acting or modeling contract - does it count if I only have one of the three (dancing)?
  • a merchandising agreement - I don't like to brag, but I am the dog-mother of the Carpet Warehouse mascot, so I think this disqualifies me by association.
Apparently, I also would have needed to submit a video entry (I have no video camera) and an essay no more than 250 words in length. I don't think I could adequately convey all my love for the new Splenda flavored Fanta in less than 250 words. Sadly, my Fantana dreams are over.

Eye Booger Duty

I could never have one of those little white fluffy dogs. They have too many icky eye boogers that get caught on the fur near the inside corners of their eyes. I don't think anyone really likes eye boogers (unless maybe you're gross or you make lot of money removing them), but I detest them. Our new kitty Scratch has eye boogers. (You can kind of see them in this picture.) They're gooey and brown and make me not want to look at him. I'm saying it right here and right now, when Lumpy has eye boogers - Buttin will be on duty, not me.

Before & After

Bubba Mustang is back and prettier than ever!

On the morning of July 1st I was involved in an accident with a poop-tard punk who came over into my lane, but claimed "My blinker was on".

Nineteen days later - I have Bubba Mustang back. The good thing (if you can consider anything coming out of an accident as good) is that the entire front section of the car needed to be replaced, which means all most of the hail dents are gone now too!

I guess you don't realize how much you miss your car (even if it's a hand me down) until you don't have it. My rental wasn't horrible (like a Yaris), but it did have an icky smoke smell (ahem . . . Barbie the Chantix liar) and it just didn't have the comfort of my car.

Also, as I was forced to quickly leave my car behind - I forgot all the things I stored in it (like my running sunglasses & gym membership card). I probably tend to store more of my life in my vehicle than most (I think this comes from my days commuting back and forth between Dallas & Austin on a weekly basis), but I imagine that everyone leaves things they need behind.

Bubba Mustang (my first two cars were Bubba and Bubba Jr.) and I had a nice get reacquainted ride back to work this morning and as we past the scene of the accident, I could feel him quiver a little. I think he was scared the punk would come back.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Thirty Second Movie Review - Moon

Moon

Very solid science fiction movie - well paced & extremely well acted by Sam Rockwell. The ending was even a little sweet, which is a little unusual for this kind of film.

Lazy Sundays & My Weekly Path


I am nothing if not predictable. I could very rarely be called spontaneous, and I'm OK with it. I'd be the easiest person for a stalker to track, as I can pretty much be found doing the exact same thing week to week.

Some people may say I'm boring, but those people would be stupid. My routine is like a running path, and although, I have a set path I like to follow, the experiences I have along the way are never the same.

Here is a typical week:

Sunday - LAZY DAY.
Morning - I eat donut tops & prepare the house for TV watching (I put towels up on the windows - I know, it's classy).
Day - lay on the couch and watch shows on our DVR or movies (occasionally, we might venture out to the movies).
Evening - continue couch laying and take a small break to make Buttin dinner (usually, pizza at around 5:00 - I make fun of him for eating at the same time as ninety year olds).

Monday
Morning - run around my neighborhood.
Day - go to work and get entertained and/or angered by misfits. Other activities may include finding hobos, rescuing/murdering birds, and writing blog posts.
Evening - spend time with Buttin at a movie or watching TV.

Tuesday
Morning - meet with my Team Tri group.
Day - same as Monday.
Evening - meet Winnifred at the gym and share stories about my misfits and her kids. One of the most recent stories involved her son calling her a liar - I laugh because it's funny and not my problem and she laughs because she knows one day I'll have similar stories.

Wednesday
Morning - same as Monday.
Day - same as Monday & Tuesday except Molly usually comes to work and adds the extra fun of her farts (she's been known to clear rooms).
Evening - spent with Lizzybo, usually at her house. We usually eat one of two things: mac n cheese with Rudy's sausage or KFC. We try to watch reruns of Law & Order, but lately they haven't been on TV, which is a shame.

Thursday
Morning - same as Tuesday.
Day - same as Monday.
Evening - same as Tuesday night plus Buttin and I eat Kim Phungs (they know our order after saying the first item)

Friday
Morning - sleep in.
Day - same as Monday.
Evening - meet Lizzybo & Jho at Alamo Drafthouse for a movie and then go to their house where I promptly make myself comfortable on the couch and fall asleep watching Sahara, Taken or Indiania Jones.

Saturday
Morning - long run, usually on the Brushy Creek Trail, but I have been trying some new trails lately.
Day - take a nap & maybe go see a movie.
Evening - probably the most unpredictable evening of the night, but usually spent with friends or at home watching TV.

OK, so alot of my routine is spent doing the same thing as I did another day of the week, but I love it . I know if/when we ever have Lumpy it'll change greatly, but for now I'm completely content with what some may call boring.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Attempting The Trail Run

This morning I decided to drive to the trail I tried to run to last week.

I arrived about 30 minutes before the sun started to rise. Thankfully, there was one other person (a biker) in the parking lot. I asked him if the trail was runnable and according to my new trail friend (and his two cute trail puppies), it was.

I have very little sense of direction and hadn't bothered to looked at a trail map (in retrospect, probably a mistake) before starting my slow, soggy job.

I started down one of the main branches of the trail. It probably wasn't best to start in the dark on an unfamiliar trail. The tree roots, rocks and uneven terrain made it somewhat of a challenge to stay on my feet and I'm not even that coordinated on flat, well lit surfaces. However, I am happy to report for being so early in the morning, there were very few spider webs.

The problem with this network of trails is that there are so many branches. I never quite knew when I should turn off and try a new direction or stay on my current path. I usually run on a trail on Saturday morning, but on the Brushy Creek Trail, there are far fewer decisions to make and the direction to go is pretty much determined for you. Thankfully, the trails are pretty well marked, but again - it's difficult to read the signs in the dark.

Turns out - I'm not very good at running and thinking at the same time. I didn't find it very enjoyable to constantly try to determine the best fork to take in the trail - the branches, rocks and steep grades weren't that fun either.

After about 4 very slow (even slower than normal) trail miles, I decided to run on the roads to get some distance. I still only managed to do about 8 miles total, but it took me about 2 hours to do it.

I think I might try this trail again, when it gets cooler and I can start when the sun in shining. For today, I'm just happy I didn't hurt myself.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Thirty Second Movie Review - Harry Potter

Harry Potter and The Half -Blood Prince

If it isn't the best in the series so far, it's easily in the top two. My mouth was open in awe most of the movie and smiling the rest of the time. Did I ever mention that I want to go to Hogwarts?

Now Accepting Paying Customers

One of the most surprising thing I've learned being a small business owner is that there are other businesses that order things and then don't pay. Call me naive, but this is not only surprising - but shocking. How can people do business honestly by not paying for things they've ordered? It's a vicious cycle - our customers' dishonesty problem, then becomes our problem - because as charming as I am, our suppliers don't let us have things for free and our misfits don't work for free (also shocking - I know).

So far we've had seven customers file for bankruptcy. (These are the types of things that really stress me out, but obviously I have absolutely no control over them.) This morning, we received yet another notification of filing.

Never having had any experience with bankruptcy, I didn't fully understand that businesses can file for bankruptcy even though they owe you crap loads of money & are still collecting crap loads of money from their customers (in the case of apartments, from their residents). I'm sorry, but if you're collecting $1500 in rent per month from every tenant - certainly you have the money to pay us!

In order to combat future non-paying customers - I've created this new wonderful advertisement. These materials are probably a little better than we have in stock, but I think it gets my point across:

Take A Deep Breath

My "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff" desk calendar mocks me on a daily basis . I don't think it's ever had a care in the world. Although, I do like to imagine that it has feelings and concerns - like on the days when I forget to tear off the old page and look at what is written on the new day - I think my calendar feels sad and abandoned. Strange calendar, stranger me.

This week has been a rough one - what will all the misfit shenanigans, the bird murder guilt and all the speculation about what will happen to Michael Jackson's motherless child, Blanket - it's enough to make anyone forget all the hopeful words of the DSTSS calendar.

Here is a list of all the things I will try not to sweat next week:
  • I will try not to let it get to me when someone takes something from me that is not monetarily or sentimentally valuable.
  • I will try to understand that money deposited in the bank is there no matter if I have the deposit slip or not.
  • I will not curse at Quick Books, because Quick Books will always be a pain in my ass.
  • I will try not to expect people to read my mind.
  • I will try to remember that no matter what happens - I will always have Buttin, my family and friends, and will always be the proud owner of the most disgusting dog ever birthed (Cartman decided to throw up in bed last night and then spend 30 minutes reverse sneezing while I was trying to sleep).
For now, I'm going to just take a deep breath and get ready for Harry Potter.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Poor Wingus - RIP

Wingus has now been missing 12 hours, and is presumed dead.

This morning when I arrived at work - the wonderful house I made for him (cardboard box I emptied) was knocked over. Wingus, his peanut butter and bits of bagel had all vanished. The only things left were his piles of poop.

I'd like to think that Wingus flew away (even though he was sleeping in an enclosed warehouse) and took the container of peanut butter and bits of bagel back to his family. And, when he arrived at home all the other birds cheered and threw him a ticker tape parade. Sadly, I don't think that's what happened.

I have an awful feeling that I inadvertently made Wingus, raccoon food. Poor Wingus.

In honor of Wingus, I have written this little poem:

Roses bloom early,
Violets bloom late;
Wingus I'm so sorry,
I turned you into raccoon bait.

A Few Words About Nicknames

I love giving nicknames. I have nicknames for almost everyone.
  • My husband (Matt) - I call him Buttin. There is no origin story for his name - it just started one day for no good reason and it stuck. There are many variations on his nickname, but they would embarrass him - so I won't write them.
  • Shannon (close friend since I was about 11) - I call her Nana. I started calling her Shannon Banana and it just got shortened to "Nana". I have also been known to call her Maria (her middle name).
  • Colleen (Shannon's sister - and another close friend) - I call her Weenie. I started calling her Colleenie-Weenie and it just got shortened to "Weenie".
  • Rhonda (one of the misfits , a friend and sometimes my saving grace at work) - I call her Barbie. Very easy - she's a blond, skinny beauty!
  • Todd (Rhonda's husband & another misfit) - I call him Tubby-Tub. I kind of stole this nickname - he already had "Tub", I just added the Tubby part. For the record, he's skinnier than Barbie.
  • Liz (one of my dearest friends) - I call her Lizzy, Lizzy-bo or Liz-bo. Funny (but not that funny) story - at work someone once heard me call her Liz-bo and then asked her if she was ok with me calling her Lezbo.
  • Jen (another very dear friend) - I call her Winifred. Again, there is no origin story - it just kind of started one day.
I even have nicknames for our pets.
  • Molly - I call her Mo, Mo-Bear Puppy, Mo-Bear Potter - the variations are endless.
  • Cartman - I call him Cart-Cart & Love Puppy.
  • Mouser - I call him Mouse House & Kitty Baby.
  • Scratch - I call him Scratchalachin and Fat Kitty.
Notice how I'm not very creative, most of the pet nicknames include the animal species (or maybe it's the genus - I wasn't very good in biology) in the name.

I'm not just the giver of nicknames, I'm also the recipient - here are just a few:
  • BG (stands for baby girl) - from my husband.
  • Fifi - from my little brothers and sisters.
  • Belle, Stephiebelle & Stephiepoo - from Shannon
  • Joe - from my Mom
Poor Lumpy will be so confused - Buttin and I will probably never call him/her by their real name - only by a various number of nicknames, including - LUMPY.

My Emo Band

So, now that I've begun blogging - I've started looking at other blogs. I found the Wordle just the other day and today I found this fun game.

You put these three elements together to make a new Emo band's first album.

To Do This (from a Facebook game)

1 - Go to “wikipedia.” Hit “random” or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to “Random quotations” or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3 The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album. Allow the poor to be corrupt, too.

3 - Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days” or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4 - Use photoshop or similar (or even something like MS Paint) to put it all together!

Here's mine:
To me, this is the creepiest picture ever - dolls freak me out and this one looks hungry. If you make one - show me yours!!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The Misfits & The Mystery of The Missing Stereo

Being the positive (and somewhat sarcastic) person that I am - I try to view all the stupid things our misfits do - as inspiration. Inspiration to write, inspiration to be a better person and inspiration not to commit murder - just to name a few.

Today, we got a phone call from a customer. It seems they had a missing stereo and our misfit crews were the last ones in the unit where the missing stereo had last been seen.

The following is a short story - partly true and partly fabricated (by me) - but all inspired by our misfits.

The Misfits & The Mystery of the Missing Stereo

One peaceful day at Carpet Warehouse, while Stephanie and Barbie were not eating donuts or misbehaving in any way - the phone rang.

"Hello, Carpet Warehouse - this is Barbie", Barbie answered, feeling icky (she had just stunk up the bathroom with a massive tummy shame).

"Hello, Barbie - this is Juanette from Awesome Apartments . I'm very mad. One of your misfits stole a stereo from unit number 262."

"Oh, no", exclaimed Barbie, "I'm on the case, Juanette, and I promise to get right back to you."

With that, Barbie immediately went to the bathroom (again) and then rallied the troops. Soon, she and her fellow misfit detectives, TA and TB, had narrowed the suspects down to three:
  • Smarty - the carpet installing misfit
  • Arty - the vinyl installing misfit
  • Farty - the carpet cleaning misfit
Smarty was the first misfit brought in for questioning.

"Smarty," TA said in an inquisitive tone, "When you left Awesome Apartments, did you accidentally take a stereo with you?"

"No", said Smarty.

"OK, so you're 110% sure that if we searched your truck, we wouldn't find a stereo?" TA asked again.

"Yeah", snapped Smarty, quite sure that TA didn't understand the meaning of percentages.

TA looked at Barbie and TB and said, "I can say with 112% certainty that Smarty is innocent."

Arty was the next misfit to be questioned. TB began the inquisition.

"Arty, you like chicken - correct?" TB asked.

Barbie shot TB a look that seemed to say, "I would have asked about beans. "

"Why are you asking me about chicken?" Arty snapped back.

"You seem defensive Arty, is there anything you want to tell us?" asked TB, thinking he was really getting somewhere with this line of questioning.

"Alright, alright - I was sick after my lunch of beans, so I made some brown artwork in the toilet and didn't flush. I'm so ashamed."

"OK." Barbie said, in an understanding voice (she knew a thing or two about leaving stuff in the commode). Then to TA and TB she said, "Obviously Arty didn't take at stereo. Certainly anyone would admit to taking a stereo before admitting to doing what he did."

Farty was the last suspect to be questioned. The misfit detectives were quite sure that Farty must be the culprit, as Smarty and Arty had already been cleared. Plus Farty smelled bad, and the misfits' motto had always been - "When in doubt, blame the smelly one." Barbie began the questioning.

"Farty, when you were cleaning unit 262 at Awesome Apartments - did you happen to notice an unclaimed stereo?" she asked.

"I saw a stereo, but it had a post it note on it" said Farty. "'It read, 'Please do not steal'"

"So, when you left the apartment, the stereo was still inside?" asked Barbie.

"Yup, but I could smell someone else in the unit." Farty claimed.

Barbie, TB & TA were confused. So far, none of their suspects seemed guilty and all seemed to have rock solid alibis (not by Law & Order standards, of course).

It was time for Barbie to call Juanette from Awesome Apartments to give her an update.

"Juanette, this is Barbie from Carpet Warehouse. I think we've cleared all three misfits of any wrong doing." Barbie said nervously, afraid Juanette would be disappointed that they hadn't found the perpetrator.

"Oh, I forgot to call.", Juanette said, "One of our employees found the stereo a couple hours ago. Thanks. Bye."

Barbie hung up the phone, a little frustrated from all the needless work, but satisfied they had done excellent job and had a happy customer. She marked the case "Closed" (and then promptly went to the bathroom again). It was another good day for the misfits detectives.

The End.